R. Rajesh
Like my good friend Natty had said earlier, there was this thing going at
Sportz Unlimited where we all had to contribute our bit to
Siddhuisms by creating our own. I loved the guy so much I went and created a whole century of 'isms' in his honour. So if ur currently jobless and in a masochistic frame of mind, pls read on:
1. "That session was as entertaining as a boxing bout between two armless men" (After a game between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe where an entire session had gone with just 54 dreary runs scored at 1.9 per over, without a single wicket falling).
2. "If he bowls any shorter, he'll need a helmet " (On Andre Nel's propensity to bowl so short he threatens his own head).
3. "Fishing outside off stump will only net you ducks" (after yet another new batsman had nibbled at the bait outside off and perished for zero)
4. "RSC - Referee Stopped Contest" (Answer to a question on how the ODI between Australia and Bangladesh would go).
5. “Inzy's like a coy girl... when he says no, it means maybe yes. And when he says yes, it me maybe not” (On Inzamam’s notorious calling between wickets)
6. You can't encourage a boy by beating him up every morning (On supporters who say Bangladesh needs to be 'encouraged' in the Test arena)
7. He's like a drunk in a wild west bar... the bouncer appears and he's promptly out flat on his back. (On Ganguly's problem with the short ball)
8. "He can't even catch a cold today" (On a slip fielder dropping his fourth catch of the day)
9. "There are no goodbyes for a bad wicketkeeper" (On Parthiv Patel letting another bye past his gloves)
10. “The Indian team is suffering from tennis elbow “(If Tendulkar had the tennis elbow problem a few years back, when Team India were more dependant on him than is the case now)
11. "Guys who live in glass houses shouldn't ‘chuck’ stones" (On Ponting's accusation that Murali chucks, with reference to Brett Lee)
12. "He takes every ball bowled at him as a personal insult." (On Shahid Afridi's hyper-aggressive batting ways)
13. "He must have been asking the batsmen politely if they've had the pleasure of knowing their fathers!" (On whether Steve Waugh sledged or was just talking to the opposing batsman )
14. Who says the Australians invented the relay throw? (After he saw a Bangladesh match where Rajin Saleh threw at the wicket-keeper from short midwicket, missed by a mile. Rafique stoped it at third man and sent a wild throw at bowler's end which went to long-on who threw to the keeper, who in turn missed. Luckily, Bashar at slip stopped it. While they were playing relay, the batsmen had run four runs)
15. “His brain and his finger aren't best friends.” (On why it takes Steve Bucknor so long to give a decision).
16. "There was many a 'lip' between the 'cup' and the 'slip'"[On Ravi Shastri's nocturnal games :) ]
17. “Proof that sometimes sound travels faster than light” (About a batsman not seeing a bouncer till he heard it clatter on the helmet)
18. "He ran a perfectly judged marathon.......in the 100 m sprint finals" (On Sunil Gavaskar’s ‘epic’ 36 not out in 60 overs)
19. "He took the stairs, but stopped climbing because the electricity went off" (On Vinod Kambli not fulfilling his potential, and the problem being more in his mind than on the pitch)
20. "...perhaps it was because he was a connoisseur of fine legs" (On Ravi Shastri's penchant for the flick to fine-leg)
21. "He who lives by the word dies by the word" (When asked if his increasingly sporadic appearances have anything to do with channel honchos not taking too kindly to his Sidhuisms)
22. "The penis mightier than the sword...." (Again on Ravi Shastri, and how his exploits off the field are more catalogued than the ones on it)
23. "Power corrupts. Absolute power gets you elected for life" (On Jagmohan Dalmiya's new post)
24. "Mathematically speaking, they are the square root of all confusion" (on Duckworth and Lewis)
25. "You can't run a race, my friend, when you're looking over your shoulder" (On whether the Aussies are losing any sleep over England catching up in the world rankings)
26. "No amount of masturbation can produce a child" (On how Lara's often virtuoso performances don’t result in Windies victories, as the team doesn’t jell together)
27. "There is no such thing as a Free Punch" (On how Andre Nel...got a a barrage of bouncers from the English bowlers...who'd all been bounced by him earlier)
28. "Make him play in the Singapore league and it'll cure him" (Again on bad boy Nel's habit of spitting whilst glaring at a batsman, with regard to Singapore's humongous fines for public spitting)
29. "It pays to be crooked" (On Billy Bowden being one of the highest paid umpires in the world)
30. "Old Confucious saying: He who takes time putting up his finger will have wet pants" (Musing about how it must have bin for Steve Bucknor as a primary school kid when he had to lift his lil finger for 'peepee' permission)
31. "The problem, my friend, with Politically Correct Jokes is that they often get elected" (A snide aside about how Ranbir Singh Mahendra - Dalmia's supposed stooge - became BCCI president)
32. "We all know what you call someone who sells an embrace" (Referring to how the Indian team had prostituted even its 'Huddle' by selling it to Pepsi)
33. "He was the ultimate 'all-rounder' from whichever angle you looked at him" (When asked about his views on Arjuna Ranatunga)
34. "As any lady may tell you, it isn't how big it is that matters, but what you do with it...." (On the brouhaha surrounding Tendulkar’s bat)
35. "Self belief can take you places...often all the way back to the pavillion" (On a batsman's overconfident drive on the up to his 1st ball ending as a snick to slip)
36. "I wouldn't say he had a big mouth, but if he were a woman and he'd smiled, he'd have lipstick marks on both ears" (On Sarfraz Nawaz shooting his mouth off everytime he opens it)
37. "You could become a millionaire by bottling his voice and selling it as a surefire remedy to amnesiacs" (About Bob Willis' dry commentary that threatens to put even fellow commentators to sleep)
38. "Indian Driving Licences are invalid in Western Australia" (On how the Indian batters will have to eschew their favoured drives on the bouncy Perth wicket)
39. "...ohhhh, that was just to advertise that he was a 'hooker'" (On why Jimmy Amarnath always wore a ‘Red’ handkerchief in his hip pocket)
40. "The whole is the sum of the parts...but for him, the (w)hole was better than some of the parts" (on Shane Warne's repeated sexcapades)
41. "Younis 'Killer' Khan v/s Shahid 'Hitman' Afridi - 12 rounds- Queen of Peshawar Rules" (On what entertainment is laid on for the Pakistan team after a hard day's play wrt the infamous brawl between the two)
42. "It isn't fair for 11 men to be competing against 22" (On why the Pakistanis don’t translate talent into success more often because they keep fighting against themselves apart from the opponent)
43. "When there are 11 engines pulling one coach, where can the train go?" (On the problems faced by Bob Woolmer in dealing with the highly individualistic players)
44. "If ignorance is bliss, he's attained Nirvana" (On the Afridi phenomenon, and how he thrives because he doesn’t think)
45. "Maybe his mouth is sponsored by Nike." (On Aamir Sohail's propensity to put his foot in his mouth, and 'just do it' regardless of consequences)
46. "Cricket is a strange game indeed...you'll find that those who are suited for the 'shorter' version of the game are generally the 'taller' players" (On how the ODI specialists are generally more brawn than brain)
47. “When one hasn't got the 'runs' one can be forgiven for looking constipated" (Retorting to a fellow commentator's comment that Ganguly looked rather uptight)
48. "He would even buy a tall tale if it had a discount"(On Sir Geoffrey's legendary miserliness and unwillingness to pay more when he could pay less)
49. "Cricket is a mind game my friend...you have to 'mind' your step, 'mind' your language, and 'mind' your Ps and Qs" ( On Andre Nel getting suspended by the Match Referee for kicking the stumps and mouthing profanities)
50. “He bowls a good slower one.....six to an over" (About a young Bangladeshi fast bowler, who had been earlier described by Athar Ali Khan as a 'young tearaway', only to bowl at a top speed of 76 mph)
51. "...perhaps...but on the other hand, it doesn’t stay new for very long when he's around" (On a comment from a former great that Sehwag doesn't have the skill to play the new ball)
52. "All work and no pay makes John a dull coach" (On whether the last days of Wright's tenure were downhill because he had other things on his mind.....like not being paid, reportedly, for nine months.)
53. "They say white balls swing more.....perhaps that explains why Pollock, McGrath, Hoggard, Nel and Kasprowicz are so successful....they're all white!" (self explanatory)
54. "It may be nothing but hot air, but hot air my friend is what makes balloons fly" (On a former cricketer's comment that the new development strategies by the BCCI were just 'hot air')
55. "One candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." (On the need for Lara to share his cricketing knowledge and mentor the youngsters in the team)
56. "For him, Test cricket was a game played between three important sessions: lunch, tea, and supper" (On Merv Hughes' girth and his love of all things culinary)
57. "Take the first hour from the bowlers, and you don’t need to worry about the rest of the day." (On Sehwag's mantra being the stark opposite of a traditional opener's)
58. "He doesn't need to signal a wide...he just has to point at himself " (On David Shepherd's generous proportions)
59. "When the take-off is longer than the flight time, either the aircraft is faulty or you are going nowhere in a hurry" (On Shoaib Akhtar's take that he needs his extra long run up to bowl, because he's like an aeroplane which needs to cruise before take-off)
60. "The Elysian Fields now have a forward short leg fielder" (On hearing about Ekki Solkar's death)
61. "I have always thought making cricket entertaining was the job of the cricketers. (On the new ICC rules to make ODIs more entertaining)
62. “The match referee knows that you can’t hang a man thrice...so what will he punish him for? Intimidatory bowling? Throwing? Sledging?" (On Simon Jones altercation with Hayden when he threw the ball at him on his follow through)
63. “Two is company...three is a run out" (On watching a batsman who's just called for a runner because of a sprain, attempt to run after a shot and getting run out...a scenario that happens ad infinitum)
64. "You'd look that way too if your balls had been bashed around all day" (On the dazed expression on Gough's face after his spell ended with figures of 7-0-78-0)
65. "Umpires certainly need technology to help them...we should start with a hearing aid for this one" (On Bucknor turning down an appeal by Agarkar for a caught behind despite a thick, loud edge)
66. "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR firms." (On how every other new kid on the cricketing block is being referred to as the next great thing nowadays)
67. "Botham was to the Establishment what a dog is to a lamp-post." (On a programme about the need for more characters in cricket, and talking about the 'Ian Botham' aura)
68. "If he'd run in any faster, his follow through would have reached the batsman before the ball" (Reminiscing about Madan Lal's fast and furious run up masking his decidedly slow-medium paced bowling)
69. "The best way to hook a fast bouncer for six is from the commentary box" (...as an aside to co-commentator Kirti Azad who was deriding Ganguly's inelegant ways of coping with Shoaib's thunderbolts)
70. "He certainly bowls a decent Chinaman...the question is, can he bowl an Engishman?" (When asked about the chances of Brad Hogg confounding the Poms in the NatWest series, a laWarne)
71. "I don’t know about his 'zooters', but he seems to be practising more on 'hooters' of late " (On Warney having a mystery 'Ball' off the pitch)
72. “He is the sort who believes in love at first .....ever since he first looked into a mirror" (On Kevin Pieterson's reported self-love and self- promotional gimmicks)
73. "Right Hand-Fast, Medium, Slow" (Suggesting the blurb that should accompany Lee to demonstrate the versatility of his bowling speeds and his very slow slower one)
74. "Under Arm Slow Medium " (As the ideal blurb to accompany Greg Chappell, whenever he's profiled on TV)
75. "Right Arm-Occasional Leg Spin" (On Kumble)
76. "Right Arm, Occasional Off Spin" (On Saqlain Mushtaq's overdependence on the doosra to such an extent he lost his stock ball altogether)
77. “Right Arm......" (On Sachin's bowling, because no one knows what he will bowl, and the only given is that it will be right arm)
78. "... now u know why forward short leg fielders nowadays wear a helmet and leg guards" (Tounge-in-cheek riposte to Boycott after watching Harmison spray the ball so much he was posing more danger to the close in fielders than the batsman)
79. "...then this team should have CK Nayudu, Mushtaq Ali, Zaheer Abbas, Imran, Gavaskar..." (On Ganguly's contention that he should have been selected for the Asia XI on past record)
80. "This surely must have been a rest day for manicurists" (On how the 2nd Ashes Test had the most 'nail-biting' finish of them all)
81. "Flintoff vs Pietersen" (On how the contest on Day 1 of the above-mentioned match was less between bat and ball, and more between the two team mates to see who outscored the other)
82. "This bell has a long rope, and right now, its Warney who's holding the other end "(On Shane Warne's mesmeric hold over Ian Bell, whom he repeatedly lured to his doom in the first two Tests)
83. "It’s official now. Dan Vettori is the latest Fevicol brand ambassador." (Reacting to the freakish situation in the first Test between NZ and Zimbabwe when Streak had Vettori clean bowled, but the bails jumped up and fell back on the stumps and didn’t fall down. Vettori went on to make a century)
84. "This Indian team is definitely not missing Parthiv Patel." (After Dhoni grassed one more chance in the final against Sri Lanka)
85. "I always thought Continental food was bland, and what little I have seen of it now hasn't changed my opinion." (On the totally insipid fare dished out during the Inter-continental matches between Asia and Africa)
86. "Maybe their county should be renamed Humpshire" (On the amorous adventures of the Hampshire twosome, Warne and Pieterson)
87. "His favourite fielding position was between two fine legs" (on err...uhh...ahemm...Ravi Shastri again!)
88. "Whenever he opens his mouth, I think it's just to change feet" (On Sarfraz Nawaz)
89. "All King's horses and all King's men could not put the Windies together again" (a take off on the fragmentation of the West Indies and how even the best efforts of Bennett King are no use)
90. "He set rather low standards and consistently failed to achieve them " (On Lankan umpire Asoka de Silva)
91. "When you know someone swings both ways, you can't let down your guard!" (On what his advice would be if he were the coach of the Aussies with regard to reverse swing by the English bowlers)
92. “It's easy to be a giant when you are among pygmies." (Asking for a more realistic assessment of India's performance.....against Zimbabwe)
93. "He is surely a diamond in the making, but right now he's more of an American diamond" (An how all the hype about Shaun Tait being the 'asli cheez' is falling a lil flat)
94. “Certainly the most mouthwatering thing to come out of Andhra since Avakkai pickle" (On the prospects of Venugopal Rao...which, however, in the few innings we've seen since, haven't been too bright)
95. "I said before the match that you can’t condemn a batsman without watching him bat, and I say it now after the match " (...again about Venugopala Rao, who lasted all of one ball, and didn’t, quite literally get to bat)
96. "You can't judge a man by his disappearances" (A cryptic hint about how there was more to it than met the eye, behind his own infamous 'disappearing' act midway through an English tour)
97. "The Australian male doesn't behave himself until he has exhausted all other possibilities" (About the on field behaviour of the Aussies, including the colorful vocabulary of captain Ponting and Katich recently, and of course, the serial misdemeanours of St. Warne)
98. "I didnt know the Vulture was the national bird of Australia" (On how suddenly everyone and his aunt back in Oz, from columnists to ex-players, is ripping into the Aussie team when they are down for the count)
99. "The difference between winning and losing was just two balls. England had them, Australia didn’t." (On how the English approach was 'ballsy' while the
Aussies were unusually timid and left the aggro for too late on the final day).
100. “He's a real carefree guy - he doesn't care as long as it's free" (On Sir Boycs' legendary stinginess and love of freebies)
