Rewind: People & headlines that will rock 2005
By H Natarajan
What does 2005 hold in store for us? I made a trip to my favourite astrologer, Dejan Baruwalla, who predicted some of the most inconceivable happenings that will make big news in 2005.
The top 10:
Chal sanyasin, mandir mein: If you think Uma Bharti is not good looking, think again. She will bag the leading lady’s role in Muzaffar Ali’s film opposite Govindacharya. The focus of Muzaffar Ali’s film is the heroine and it will be titled Umajaan.
Pakistan will be known by D Company it keeps: Dawood Ibrahim will become the next President of Pakistan. He will begin his first-ever televised speech on Independence Day assuring the citizens of Pakistan: “Beedo log darne ka nahin. Bole to, tenshun lenekach nai. Apunka chokra log Hindustan ko ek dum hilla dalenge, ye Bhai ka zaban hai hai, kya? Deko, appunko jaada pukkaneka nahin... bus abhi kutt lo.”
Kahani Kiss, Kiss Ki: This will be Ekta Kapoor’s much-hyped film of the year. Kareena Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor will star in the romantic flick titled, “2005 – A Love Story”. The year’s runaway hit song will be from this film, “Kiss na karo, kiss bhi na karo.”
Attaboy & MJ: Jayalalitha and AB Vajypayee will become VLCC’s biggest selling factors after acquiring hot new bods. Ms Jayalaitha, in her new avtaar, will believe in designer hotties and would want to be fashionably addressed as Ms Jay or by the trendier initials, “MJ”.
The new-look Vajyapee will switch to faded jeans and L’Oreal-streaked hair. He will become a youth icon and will enhance his image by heading the youth wing of the BJP. He will walk faster than Soniaji, whom he will tick off in the Parliament, saying: “Lizzenn, honey…I think u need to slam-dunk this dude (Mani) Shanks. Too much natural gas…and u know I am not taking about his portfolio.”
Gone will be Vajypayee’s super slow-mo speeches. Attaboy will become the fastest speaker in Parliament. MRF will cash in on the Riplesque transformation and will come up with an ad that features Brett Lee, Shoaib Akhtar and Attaboy.”
Top of the pops to stop of the pops: Mallika Sherawat will be seen at a public function in a saree. It will be a record of sorts because in one single moment she would have more clothing on her body than what she normally has in an entire week. She will look beautiful in a saree, but will go completely unrecognised.
Mere bhains ko dhanda matth maaro: Laloo Prasad will go to Switzerland on a shopping expedition. His children will return with 2000 variety of chocolates while Laloo will get home the source of the chocolates - 2000 buffaloes! He will ask his government to give him tax exemption on the 2000 buffaloes. The government will refuse after people protest in unison. But Laloo will stride before television camera and says: “Kya hum aur Rabadeee Devi Sachin Tendulkar se kuch kum hai, ka? Why repyuj me? Jab Sachin ke Furr-ra-ree ko tax maaf hai, to humka kyon naaahin? Huth, tuth…”
Waah, Paaji! The year’s biggest divorce will have to do with a filmstar…a political divorce. Gharam Dharam will quit politics after he will be suspended from the party for speaking his heart out against what he will think are the wrongdoings of his bosses.
“Mein in kutton ka khoon pi jayoonga,” (Dog’s blood will, however, continue to be the Macho 60-plus’s favourite drink in 2005).
Dharmendra will emerge winner in this battle. The only minor problem will come from the Society of Prevention for Cruelty to Animals (SPCA). They will protest that it’s not politically correct to speak uncharitably about dogs by comparing it to politicians. The charming Dharam will floor the SPCA with his emotion and charm. He will even break into a song, “Kuttein, mann ke sachhe, saare jug ke ankh ke taare…” and bring tears in the eyes of the SPCA protestors.
Koi Mill Gaya: One of the big Bollywood surprises of the year will be Rakesh Roshan’s new home production. The film will not be shot in exotic foreign locales like all Roshan films. Instead, it will be extensively filmed in the many cotton mill graveyards of Mumbai.
Hritikh Roshan will be seen as an anti-hero; a heartless millowner who cares a damn for the hungry, dying, out-of-work millworkers. He will be a tycoon obsessed with his gym work and body.
As always, the Roshans will churn out superhit songs. The pick of which will be: “Kassrut karne walon ke, seeney dil bhardo…” which a dukhiyari millworker’s wife sings outside the hero’s hi-fi gym.
Mediaman of the year: He will be a dude who has converted a sizable portion of a tea-drinking nation to Koffee. No prize for guessing who…KJo’s popularity is scaling heights greater than JLo’s…Karan Johar is the man. Way to go!
Quote of the year: “It’s like a naïve college girl applying Iodex on her stomach to terminate an accidental pregnancy. The simple fact is that Indian cricketers do not know what it takes to solve the problem.”
What do you mean, ‘Who said this?’ Who else, but Navjot Singh Sidhu!!!
What does 2005 hold in store for us? I made a trip to my favourite astrologer, Dejan Baruwalla, who predicted some of the most inconceivable happenings that will make big news in 2005.
The top 10:
Chal sanyasin, mandir mein: If you think Uma Bharti is not good looking, think again. She will bag the leading lady’s role in Muzaffar Ali’s film opposite Govindacharya. The focus of Muzaffar Ali’s film is the heroine and it will be titled Umajaan.
Pakistan will be known by D Company it keeps: Dawood Ibrahim will become the next President of Pakistan. He will begin his first-ever televised speech on Independence Day assuring the citizens of Pakistan: “Beedo log darne ka nahin. Bole to, tenshun lenekach nai. Apunka chokra log Hindustan ko ek dum hilla dalenge, ye Bhai ka zaban hai hai, kya? Deko, appunko jaada pukkaneka nahin... bus abhi kutt lo.”
Kahani Kiss, Kiss Ki: This will be Ekta Kapoor’s much-hyped film of the year. Kareena Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor will star in the romantic flick titled, “2005 – A Love Story”. The year’s runaway hit song will be from this film, “Kiss na karo, kiss bhi na karo.”
Attaboy & MJ: Jayalalitha and AB Vajypayee will become VLCC’s biggest selling factors after acquiring hot new bods. Ms Jayalaitha, in her new avtaar, will believe in designer hotties and would want to be fashionably addressed as Ms Jay or by the trendier initials, “MJ”.
The new-look Vajyapee will switch to faded jeans and L’Oreal-streaked hair. He will become a youth icon and will enhance his image by heading the youth wing of the BJP. He will walk faster than Soniaji, whom he will tick off in the Parliament, saying: “Lizzenn, honey…I think u need to slam-dunk this dude (Mani) Shanks. Too much natural gas…and u know I am not taking about his portfolio.”
Gone will be Vajypayee’s super slow-mo speeches. Attaboy will become the fastest speaker in Parliament. MRF will cash in on the Riplesque transformation and will come up with an ad that features Brett Lee, Shoaib Akhtar and Attaboy.”
Top of the pops to stop of the pops: Mallika Sherawat will be seen at a public function in a saree. It will be a record of sorts because in one single moment she would have more clothing on her body than what she normally has in an entire week. She will look beautiful in a saree, but will go completely unrecognised.
Mere bhains ko dhanda matth maaro: Laloo Prasad will go to Switzerland on a shopping expedition. His children will return with 2000 variety of chocolates while Laloo will get home the source of the chocolates - 2000 buffaloes! He will ask his government to give him tax exemption on the 2000 buffaloes. The government will refuse after people protest in unison. But Laloo will stride before television camera and says: “Kya hum aur Rabadeee Devi Sachin Tendulkar se kuch kum hai, ka? Why repyuj me? Jab Sachin ke Furr-ra-ree ko tax maaf hai, to humka kyon naaahin? Huth, tuth…”
Waah, Paaji! The year’s biggest divorce will have to do with a filmstar…a political divorce. Gharam Dharam will quit politics after he will be suspended from the party for speaking his heart out against what he will think are the wrongdoings of his bosses.
“Mein in kutton ka khoon pi jayoonga,” (Dog’s blood will, however, continue to be the Macho 60-plus’s favourite drink in 2005).
Dharmendra will emerge winner in this battle. The only minor problem will come from the Society of Prevention for Cruelty to Animals (SPCA). They will protest that it’s not politically correct to speak uncharitably about dogs by comparing it to politicians. The charming Dharam will floor the SPCA with his emotion and charm. He will even break into a song, “Kuttein, mann ke sachhe, saare jug ke ankh ke taare…” and bring tears in the eyes of the SPCA protestors.
Koi Mill Gaya: One of the big Bollywood surprises of the year will be Rakesh Roshan’s new home production. The film will not be shot in exotic foreign locales like all Roshan films. Instead, it will be extensively filmed in the many cotton mill graveyards of Mumbai.
Hritikh Roshan will be seen as an anti-hero; a heartless millowner who cares a damn for the hungry, dying, out-of-work millworkers. He will be a tycoon obsessed with his gym work and body.
As always, the Roshans will churn out superhit songs. The pick of which will be: “Kassrut karne walon ke, seeney dil bhardo…” which a dukhiyari millworker’s wife sings outside the hero’s hi-fi gym.
Mediaman of the year: He will be a dude who has converted a sizable portion of a tea-drinking nation to Koffee. No prize for guessing who…KJo’s popularity is scaling heights greater than JLo’s…Karan Johar is the man. Way to go!
Quote of the year: “It’s like a naïve college girl applying Iodex on her stomach to terminate an accidental pregnancy. The simple fact is that Indian cricketers do not know what it takes to solve the problem.”
What do you mean, ‘Who said this?’ Who else, but Navjot Singh Sidhu!!!
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