Crazy boys in school….Part I

By H Natarajan

This is JAM’s own version of outrageous schoolboy jokes. The central characters are the foursome of Rajesh, Jiten, Vincent and me (Natty).

Rajesh: You cannot ever find him wit-drawn. They say he is from the Ad world, but we say he is from the Mad world. This wordsmith par excellence is never stumped for an answer. Saar hails from Chennai.

Jiten: He is in the IT field, but his brand equity lies in the fact that he is Vatsayana, Osho and Hugh Hefner rolled into one. Two things about him that cannot be disputed – he is the fastest this side of the Atlantic when it comes to repartees and that he is John Travolta in dirty dancing – aka pole dancing.

Vince: After famously posing with a knife like Crocodile Dundee, he was dubbed – and ribbed - “Mosaley” (Crocodile in Kannada) Vincent. He runs a flourishing BPO business from Bangalore. The top three loves of his life are cricket, cricket and cricket. When he wants to get away from cricket, he relaxes with a peg of Pepsi and a bottle of Old Monk all alone somewhere up in the east stands of the Chinnaswamy Stadium.

Natty: I think I am the best précis writer in the world, but my friends Rajesh, Vince and Jiten think otherwise. Its okay, everybody makes mistakes – hello, I am not talking about myself! If cricket is Vince’s love, then it’s my bread, butter and jam; make a living writing about cricket. Roots are in Mumbai but like to globe-trot when lust…ooops, wanderlust beckons.

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Teacher: Complete the following. You can lead a horse to water, but you...

Vince....cannot make him drunk!
Jiten......cannot take his arse!
Rajesh...cannot make him mix his Rum!
Natty.....cannot make him do the backstroke!
…

Teacher: What’s your opinion of Mallika Sherawat?

Vince: Outcaste
Jiten: Typecast
Natty: Hypecast
Rajesh: Couchcast
…

Teacher: All you boys want to become cricketers. Tell me then, is drinking good or bad for cricketers?

Jiten: It was good, but RR Patil took the joys out of drinking.
Rajesh: Very good; you don’t get worms in your tummy.
Natty: It has to be good, else why would there be drinks interval in cricket?
Vince: Definitely good for cricket. It helps you walk like a Murali off-break and a Bhajji ‘doosra’ alternatively.
…

Teacher: Is there any similarity between cricket and women?

Jiten: Yeah, it’s all about a good catch.
Vince: Wrong, Jiten. It’s about bowling maiden overs.
Natty: Both you guys are mistaken. It’s all about scoring where a lot depends on the condition of the pitch.
Rajesh: All balls…I mean the analogy with fielding, bowling and batting is totally wrong. In cricket as in women, it’s all about figures.
…

Cricket coach: What’s your favourite position on the cricket field?

Natty: Loooooooooong leg :)
Jiten: Slip - something about the name and the feet position!
Vince: Any uncompromising position.
Rajesh: Missionary position!!!
…

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?"

Natty: “You may be little more polite than Ganguly, but that’s still obnoxious.”
Jiten: “I don’t know the answer, but heck, you are one teacher who talks the language of the students."
Rajesh: “It’s the coat Sheetal Mallar ties on her head in a bun after a steamy session on the bed."
Vincent: “You guys are all perverts. The answer is “coconut’.”
…

Teacher: “What is marriage between one man and one woman called?”

Natty: “A relationship like the Indian cricket team coach and captain - both trying in vain to make the world believe they have no problems with each believing the other is the problem.”
Jiten: “Monotony.”
Rajesh: “Bad news. No noose is good news. The man first ties the noose (mangalsutra) around the woman’s neck while the woman uses that later to tighten it around the husband’s neck!
Vince: Outsourcing thru matrimony
…

Teacher: If I had one ball in one hand and as many in the other, what would I have?

Vince: A slime ball.
Rajesh: Ah! Two balls in hand are worth than a bird in the bush!
Natty: Temptations for ball tampering.
Jiten: Self-appeasement!
…

It’s the much-awaited sex education class. The teacher asks, “What comes to your mind first when you think of sex? Use your imagination.”

Jiten: Whatever cums is not in the mind, teacher.
Vince: Middlesex. Ah, cricket at Lord’s!
Natty: Oral sex of my neighbours. They are forever at each other shouting: “F..k you.”
Rajesh: Hmmmm...Height of imagination...Sex with T-Rex!
…

Sex-education teacher: Boy who goes to bed with sexual problem…

Natty: …wakes up with solution in hand.
Vince: …should stop visiting Uncle Michael Jackson.
Jiten: …cannot rise to the occasion.
Rajesh: …could become positive for life.
…

Ganguly's teacher: Boys, give me some novel and convincing reasons that Sourav can tell Dalmiya to get Chappell sacked?

Natty: Sourav should say that at least seven members of the team find the stink of his underarm unbearable.
Vince: Sourav should say that a democratic country like India should not align with Hitler’s descendent.
Jiten: Sourav should say Chappell is a match fixer (trying to fix a XI without Ganguly)
Rajesh: Tell him the coach is a Pawar mongerer (That will be music to Dalmiya’s ears)
…

Teacher: Complete the following. A bird in hand...

Vince...makes better study in ornithology.
Natty...is not as exciting as Garner in full flight.
Jiten...is better than trying to ambush two.
Rajesh…can get quite messy.
…

Teacher: Now that you have completed one year of the lip-reading class, tell me what did Yuvraj say soon after getting a hundred in Sri Lanka?

Jiten: He was saying “hi” to somebody’s sister in Australia.
Rajesh: He was feeling like a Roman gladiator and shouted “Ben Hur” in his moment of triumph. Natty: He was signaling for a fresh ‘baniyan’ to the dressing room. “Yeh andhar ki (dressing room ki) baat hai jo aam aadmi ki samajh ke baahar hai. Beekar mein usey badnaam karte hai public.”
Vince: I got distracted by a call from the US client, but I caught one word, “bane.” My cricketing knowledge says that it has something to do with what he considers the bane of Indian cricket.
…

Teacher: What, in cricket, gives you most pleasure?

Vince: Cuts, nicks and slashes.
Jiten: Fondl….ooops. Handling the new ball.
Natty: Driving in the ‘V’.
Rajesh: Swinging….but don’t know to swing both ways!
...

Coach: What do you think of Natty’s batting?

Vince: Natty doesn’t know where his off stump is.
Jiten: Natty doesn’t know where his leg stump is.
Rajesh: Natty doesn’t know where he is.
...

Coach: What do you think of Jiten’s bowling?

Natty: Jiten is the best when firing into the block hole. (wink)
Rajesh: Jiten is a good swinger (wink)
Vince: Jiten says he is an offie but I think he is just spins (wink, wink)
…

Teacher: What do you think of Vincent’s commentary?

Natty: Vince is like Kapil Dev – he knows his cricket but doesn’t know commentary.
Jiten: Vince is like Jasdev Singh – he knows commentary but doesn’t know cricket.
Rajesh: Vince is like my uncle - neither knows cricket nor commentary.
…

Teacher: What do you think of Rajesh’s Sidhuisms?

Natty: I think Rajesh is Sidhu’s script writer.
Jiten: I think Sidhu is Rajesh’s script writer.
Vince: I think Rajesh and Sidhu are one and the same – a case of split personalities.