Jest A Minute

And Then They Called You!

2011-02-23T15:02:00.000+05:30

This is from your college mate, now highly successful, and recently married. You were however not invited for the wedding. The last time around you saw him at that cocktail party and approached him with a warm hello, he excused himself to socialize with a more successful corporate honcho. His call comes out of the blue……………... “Hey budddyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! How are you? Been always wanting to touch base with you, but life has so been busy you know!!!”. And then he pops the question.

This is from your ex-colleague who moved overseas about four years back and now lives in the USA or some European country. The last you interacted with him was when you had some plans to make a visit to the place he was living in and your email seeking information didn’t fetch a reply. You two subsequent reminders also seemed to go into a black hole. He calls……………… “Ajayyyyyyyyyyyyy!! Dost, how are you dude? Mannn, I miss those wonderful times we had together in those days yaaar!” And then he pops the question.

This is from your ex, who went around town bitching about you in no uncertain terms and made sure you also got to hear about it. She calls, “Ajay babyyyyyyyyyy!! How are you hon? Gosh, miss you sooo much hon, we must catch up some time for old times’ sake. Sigh!! I realllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy miss you and those good times we had.” And then she pops the question.

This is from your ex-neighbour, who always had something nasty about how your car was parked in the basement, how your parties were so loud he couldn’t sleep, how your dog’s occasional bark gave him nightmares about being bitten when he was going out of the building. Yes, at every building association meeting you copped it from him. He calls. “Ajay hellooooooooooooooooo!! How are you doing? How is the new place? Yeah it must be two years now (since I made life miserable and moved you out). How’s Dasher???????? ( that is your terrifying dog). We miss you here in the building dude” And then he pops the question.

This is from that girl who once was your colleague at work, and one you always longed to get to know, but were brushed off in broad daylight. You never ever seemed to make it into her vision , your smile never got reciprocated, your sms’es for festivals, new year and also Valentine’s day never got acknowledged. And then she calls. “AJAYYYY!!!!! How are you? Thank you for your new year wishes (which you sent seven weeks ago), and mmmmm also for your Valentine Day wishes!! **giggle** Thanks dear, so sweeeeeeeeeeeeet of you!! And then she pops the question.
And this is that girl you poked and connected on FaceBook, ‘liked’ her every photograph even if she looked like a photographer’s nightmare, and the one you messaged your cell number with an invite to meet for coffee a year ago. And now she calls. “Heyyyyyy its MEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Remember? Hee haw…. Sorry, I was soooooo busy you knowwwwwww. How about meeting for that coffee sometime? Or maybe a beer? Huh? And then she pops the question.

The same question everyone asked at the end.

Can you get me some tickets for the India/England World Cup on Sunday pleeeeasee!!!!

What's In A Tamil Name?

2009-11-03T13:26:00.003+05:30

Parsis have surnames indicating their professions. Never heard of Tamils having surnames that indicate their professions, right? Well, here is a humorous exercise in going about the other way – finding names and attributing the profession!

Please note: Unless, you are conversant with the Tamil language, you may not be able to enjoy the humor.

The list of professions and the name that suits best:
Doctor: Vaidyanathan
Dentist: Pallavan
Lawyer: Kesavan
North Indian Lawyer: Panjabakesan
Financier: Dhanasekaran
Cardiologist: Irudhayaraj
Pediatrist: Kuzhandaisamy
Psychiatrist: Mano
Sex Therapist: Kamadevan
Marriage Counselor: Kalyanasundaram
Ophthalmologist: Kannayiram
ENT Specialist: Neelakandan
Diabetologist: Sakkarapani
Nutritionist: Arogyasamy
Hypnotist: Sokkalingam
Mentalist: Budhisikamani
Exorcist: Maatruboodham
Magician: Mayandi
Builder: Sengalvarayan
Painter: Chitraguptan
Meteorologist: Kaarmegam
Agriculturist: Pachaiyappan
Horticulturist: Pushpavanam
Landscaper: Bhuminathan
Barber: Kondaiappan
Beggar: Pichai
Bartender: Madhusudhan
Alcoholic: Kallapiraan
Exhibitionist: Ambalavaanan
Fiction writer: Naavalan
Makeup Man: Singaram
Milkman: Paul Raj
Dairy Farmer: Pasupathi
Dog groomer: Naayagan
Snake charmer: Nagamurthi
Mountain climber: Yezhumalai
Javelin thrower: Velayudam
Pole vaulter: Thaandavarayan
Weightlifter: Balaraman
Sumo wrestler: Gundu Rao
Karate expert: Kailaasam
Kick boxer: Ethiraj
Batsman: Dhandiappan
Bowler: Balaji
Spinner: Thirupathi
Female spinner: Thirupura Sundari
Driver: Sarathy
Attentive driver: Parthasarathy

2006-12-13T19:20:00.001+05:30

2006-12-13T19:19:00.001+05:30

2006-12-13T19:13:00.000+05:30

2006-08-18T19:57:00.000+05:30

2006-08-18T19:54:00.000+05:30

2006-08-18T09:51:00.000+05:30

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2006-08-18T09:43:00.000+05:30

:) Some more funny one

2006-08-15T14:39:00.000+05:30

Oops!! The Lottery Ticket Had ONE Wrong Number!

MATHS MADE EASY – Find X!

MATHS MADE EASY – Peter is a Genius!

MATHS MADE EASY - Blondie!!!!>

MATHS MADE EASY!

Oh You Naughty Rabbit!

Understanding Japanese Made Easy!

Life in liquid stages!

Cut the crap Moses!

IT outlets in every nook and corner of Bangalore!!!

Ideal weekend HUG!!!!!! ;-)

A Common Sight In India In The Near Future

Now now Mrs Fred….. take it easy!!!

2006-04-27T00:34:00.000+05:30

Stop Lesbian Smoking!

2006-04-27T00:32:00.000+05:30

2006-04-27T00:30:00.000+05:30

McDonald scores!

2006-03-25T19:56:00.000+05:30

2006-03-25T19:54:00.000+05:30

2006-03-25T19:53:00.000+05:30

2006-03-25T19:50:00.001+05:30

2006-03-25T19:48:00.000+05:30

2006-03-11T00:38:00.000+05:30

2006-03-05T02:39:00.000+05:30

Attitude Is Everything In Life!

2006-03-05T02:38:00.000+05:30

2006-03-05T02:36:00.000+05:30

Just Do It!

2006-03-05T02:35:00.000+05:30

Safe Sex!

2006-03-05T02:34:00.000+05:30

Gotcha!

2006-03-05T02:31:00.000+05:30

Meeeeeeeeeeeow!

2006-03-02T20:12:00.000+05:30

Completely at ease!

2006-03-02T20:08:00.000+05:30

Fired!

2006-03-02T20:02:00.000+05:30

2005-12-23T11:30:00.000+05:30

Sorry!

2005-12-05T21:13:00.000+05:30

The Lawnmower Tattoo

2005-12-05T20:38:00.000+05:30

Bin there...

2005-12-05T20:37:00.000+05:30

The Beeagra Effect

2005-12-05T20:36:00.000+05:30

Sense of rumour

2005-12-05T20:34:00.000+05:30

Tour de Imagination

2005-12-05T20:32:00.000+05:30

Uphill or downhill task?

2005-12-05T20:23:00.000+05:30

Hands-on guy

2005-11-10T17:54:00.000+05:30

Office matters

Contributions by Vincent Sunder

2005-11-06T22:24:00.000+05:30

What's Last Night Dinner Got To Do With This?

2005-11-06T22:22:00.000+05:30

Cool!

2005-11-06T18:34:00.000+05:30

Dirty Mind Or Dirty Linen?

2005-11-06T18:31:00.000+05:30

Told You Polar Bears Can't Read!

2005-11-06T18:24:00.000+05:30

Smell A Rat?

2005-11-06T18:21:00.000+05:30

Download time!

2005-11-06T18:13:00.000+05:30

Guess Who's Coming For Dinner!

2005-11-06T12:24:00.000+05:30

SOS To Heaven!

2005-11-06T12:18:00.000+05:30

Say Cheese!

2005-11-06T12:16:00.000+05:30

Two-in One!

2005-11-06T12:14:00.000+05:30

Resting place!

2005-11-06T12:06:00.000+05:30

The Fault Settings!

Inspirational Dhoni!!!

2005-11-04T13:43:00.000+05:30

:) A real life situation.

Mother to a 9 year old kid.

"Did you hear that? Dhoni drinks a liter of milk every day that gives him so much strength!!"

Close cropped kid: "Mom, I think his strength is really in his long hair!!!!!!"

Past perfect!

2005-11-03T21:45:00.000+05:30

Emergency Help!

2005-11-03T21:41:00.000+05:30

For Sale: Treasure in an island

2005-11-03T21:13:00.000+05:30

An actual ad in an Irish newspaper!
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf. Only 15 km.
Only first and reverse gear used.
Never driven hard.
Original tyres.
Original brakes.
Original fuel and oil.
Only 1 driver.
Owner wishing to sell because of employment lay-off.
See pix of car below!!!

Diwali's cricket dhamaka

2005-11-03T20:35:00.000+05:30

By H Natarajan

What’s in and what’s out in the fireworks market this Diwali? Here is what we found out:

Ganguly Rocket: This rocket ranks high in customer dissatisfaction. Feedback reveals that it does not soar as high as it used to or simply does not take off at all. Stricter quality control tests under the newly-appointed Australian expert have put pressure on the company board to shut production of this malfunctioning rocket. Surveys indicate people prefer the latest arrivals to this rocket.

Dravid Rocket: A very versatile cracker. Scores high on reliability, goes the highest, lasts the longest and performs more functions than any rocket – it gyrates in the air like a chakri, lights up the skies like an anar and packs decibel level of four rassi bombs on explosion. It’s value for money not just among rockets but all Indian crackers.

Tendulkar Rocket: No 1 rocket in terms of popularity and sales for years, this rocket suffered mechanical glitches and that, consequently, affected its quality and production. That led to its unavailability last Diwali resulting in widespread unhappiness. However, it will be back this festival of lights.

Sehwag Rocket: A prototype of the Tendulkar variety, the Sehwag Rocket has eaten into the sales of other rockets in many parts of the country. This rocket does not confirm to traditional methods of fire cracker manufacturing and its spectacular range of pyrotechnics is widely regarded as among the two best in the world. A very, very dangerous rocket; it gives little time to move away from its launch pad when it explodes into the sky.

Yuvraj Rocket: One of the new generation rockets, the YR does not score on reliability factor – on the launch pad or off it. Last month they expected it to take off in a big way, but not only it failed go up but caused a surprised by going in exactly the opposite direction!

Nehra Rocket: This rocket has been fashioned by the same as the YR Rocket, which probably explains the unreliability factor in both rockets. You buy a dozen Nehra Rockets and you may find that the first six have firing away in spectacular fashion. Then, quite inexplicably, you will find the remaining six a huge disappoint – failing to go up, going erratically or simply breaking down.

Pathan Rocket: The best of the latest new-generation rockets. A pack of six comes with a fantastic array of arsenal. Each rocket explodes an arsenal that is different from the other. That’s the only unpredictability factor, what is predictable is its high-quality display. Must-buy cracker.

Gambhir Rocket: A new but good quality cracker. Buy it if you have no issues settling for 40-50% performance. The shopkeeper will tell you it will go 100 metres in the sky, but often times it ends in midflight – between 40 and 45 metres.

Kaif Rocket: There has been a clamour for this rocket, but apparently politics in the Fire Cracker Board has got it shelved. Very energetic fire cracker.

Zaheer Rocket: Had good firepower when it first hit the market. It used to blast off at over 140 kmph and was a treat to watch. Its nice package also added to its popularity. An entire new next generation of rockets are proving a real threat to ZR.

Kumble and Harbhajan zameen chakris: Though there are hundreds of chakris in the market, the Kumble Chakri and the Bhajji Chakri have recorded the highest sales. The Kumble Chakri has more revolutions than any other chakris, bounces while in motion and has been a hit at home. The export market was not as enthused as those at home, but that has changed in the last few years. The beauty of the Bhajji Chakri was it would spin one way and suddenly spin the other way. But if one has to choose between the pehla and the doosra, one would choose the pehla.

(An abridged version of the above appeared in Mid-Day)

Ambi Mama is a leading Tamil Brahmin relative: Survey

2005-10-27T22:11:00.000+05:30

Received this from a Tambram. It’s a riot. Non-Tambrams may not enjoy it as much, but it’s still worth reading.

------

A survey has revealed that 'Ambi Mama' is the leading relative among Tamil Brahmin families worldwide, with six in ten families having one of their own (a 60% representation.

Ambi Mama held off stiff competition from Mani Mama (with 55% representation) and Baby Chitti (39%) for a well-deserved win.

"It's a great day for all Ambi Mamas. All the years of hard work – drinking kapi (coffee), criticising the Indian team selection and complaining about blood-pressure – have finally paid off.

Yay!", said Ambi Mama, a spokesman for the Ambi Mamas Association of Dear Old Rascals (AMBASSADOR), a division of the Hardcore Brahmin Organisation (HBO). [Editor's note – The previous sentence has been roundly condemned by the Society for Prevention of Abbreviations that are Needless, Dumb and Execrable (SPANDEX)]

Mani Mamas all over the world watched in anguish as the final results were announced, plunging them into gloom.

"It's no fun being a Mani Mama anymore", said Mani Mama." Maybe if I change my name to 'Ramesh Anna', I will have a brighter future", he pondered pointlessly.

The survey also said that a respectable number of families (or a number of respectable families, as the case may be), have a Vaidhi Thatha, Bangalore Anna, and at least one random guy named 'Chandroo' who is at all functions, but no one can really place (and may not be related at all).

Predictably, bringing up the rear were non-entities like Driscoll Periappa, Jessica Alba Anni and Darth Vader Mama, which had zero representation.

"Brahmins are way too conservative, dude!", complained Cleveland Shankar, one of the more modern Iyer boys (or boyz, if you prefer. We offer multiple-choice reading. You're welcome.). "When are they going to drop old duds like Venkatakrishnan, Suresh and Balaji, and start using hipper names like Jason, Beyonce and The Human Torch?", he asked, to wide applause from a group of people watching cricket on a nearby television.

Not all are happy with progress, however. "These youngsters are ruining everything by naming their children Archish, Dhruv and Plaha.", thundered Badri Athimber." Can you imagine how it will sound? Dhruv Mama, Anamika Athai, Archish Chittappa – Ugh! Phooey! That is so not cool!!", he growled, using expressions of disgust picked up from his states-based co-brother.

When asked for their response, several Brahmins living in Adyar merely arched their eyebrows, pursed their lips, and continued waiting for the December music season.

What you don't see on ESPN-STAR Sports

2005-10-22T12:00:00.000+05:30

Oh shit....No 2 on my face, ref!

Arse Pro? Naah, just emergency medical help

Is this what they mean by horny?

C'mon kid, you got balls. Now fight!

Bums up, taste the thunder!

Attacking centre forward

What you missed at Athens Olympics...

2005-10-21T23:10:00.000+05:30

All that is now just water under the bridge….

Split decision : Drrrrrrrrrrrrrr !

Man vs Beast?

Tere mere Beach mein... not women's wrestling but
celebration at beach volleyball!

Why women's waterpolo could become adults
only spectator sport from the next Olympics!

FOUL...Stop tickling me with your tongue!

Exclusive viewing gallery!

Can I have a light please, torch bearer?!

Flashback: Dream Team & Silly Points

2005-10-21T12:37:00.000+05:30

H Natarajan

Live cricket telecasts have come a long way in India since the early 70s when DD brought bird's eye view action into few economically privileged homes which had the money to buy coveted desi black and white sets like Dyanora, ECTV, Crown and Konark.

Today there are umpteen 29-inches Sony colour TV sets in the `duplex' shanties along the Central and Western Railway lines of Mumbai. And in the commentary box, the Fredun de Vitres and the Narottam Puris have given way to the Sunil Gavaskars and Ian Chappells and the Ravi Chaturvedis and Sushil Doshis to the Arun Lals and Maninder Singhs. There are more cricketing heavyweights in the commentator's box than in the middle.

I will thus deviate from my normal practice and profile the star commentators than the players. A few random thoughts, all my own, but inspired by the late friend of the friend on the 21st floor.

Sunil Gavaskar: The greatest living batsman and one of the all-time greatest - living, dead or to be born. Still got more criticism than most. To cite two examples. Copped more flak for technically correct left-handed batting in a Ranji Trophy match than Sadgoppan Ramesh has for his flawed technique in Tests. Sunny was also hauled over the coals for carrying his bat in the first World Cup. More recently, was quizzed by the CBI for placing more faith in the Bombay Gymkhana lockers than the vaults of Nationalised or privatised banks. Has realised that scoring over 10,122 runs and 34 centuries in Tests may get a place in cricket's Hall of Fame and a plum post in the International Cricket Council, but not a place in the hallowed administration of the Mumbai Cricket Association. Now gives discourses on The Sunny & Boycs Show - the audio-visual equivalent of Sir Don Bradman's classic, The Art of Cricket.

Geoff Boycott: Known to show more respect to his grandmum than his girlfriends. When Boycott was first heard on Indian television, most people in the country refused to believe that he was speaking in English. Boycott played for England, Yorkshire and himself – in the reverse order. If he had shown half the aggression in his batting as he shows in his commentary and columns, he would have scored 3000 more international runs. A master at balls to play and balls to leave. If the choice was between spending a weekend with Pamela Anderson and scoring a Test century for England, Boycs would opt for the latter. But if the choice was between making a double hundred for England and getting 2,000 pounds for a short coaching assignment, Boycs will give it a good deep thought and then opt for the latter!

Krishnamachari Srikkanth: Technically the most correct batsman on the third floor of the unoccupied flat in the only building south West of Mahabalipuram. A fitness fanatic, he used to walk from his crease to square-leg between deliveries. Had the ability to disorient opposition who did not know if they were playing a one-dayer or Test. Used to open the innings for India by getting straight away into the sixth gear. Now comes in even before the openers, on Doodarshan and talks in, ``What u call it,'' the seventh gear. Probably the most popular cricketer ever from Tamil Nadu - not that Tamil Nadu produced too many. Reportedly, CM Karunanidhi views Srikkanth's popularity as a political threat to his career and keeps him away from Chennai by `helping' him get the DD job.

Ian Chappell: Spends more time in India commentating, writing, auctioning and acting as Master of Ceremonies. Was last seen standing in a long queue to get his Indian ration card. Saurav Ganguly believes that Ian's mouth stinks more than Trevor Chappell's underarm and that's the reason why he often got delayed for the toss whenever Ian was waiting with the mike at the pitch. Great perception of the game, but suffered rare off days. Once compared Sunil Joshi’s alleged left-arm spin to Bishan Bedi’s left-arm magic. Joshi, reportedly, decide to retire on hearing Ian’s comments; there was nothing greater he could ever hoped to achieve even if his talents were to escalate ten fold. Such comparisons stopped after Bedi threatened with a defamation Chappell suit.

Ravi Shastri: Limited ability, unlimited confidence. Was smart in his playing days, is smarter in his post-playing days. Favoured the fine-leg more than any other area. Can bat for five days without scoring a run or can be aggressive enough to hit six sixes in a six ball over - A man of `Moods'. Best nocturnal player of his times. Statistician Mohandas Menon informs me that Shastri's strike rate in night matches was higher than day matches.

Tony Greig: South African by birth, Englishman by choice and Australian by design. Doesn't grovel anymore, with or minus Michael Holding in the commentary box. Ability to bring any game alive, even if the match is as exciting as last week's upma. The buzz is that his great ability to bring about orgasmic excitement in the commentary has seen him sign a staggering endorsement deal for Viagra. Six feet, seven inch tall has proven track record to rise to the occasion.

Sanjay Manjrekar: Technically the most correct batsman this side of the Arabian Sea and that side of the Bay of Bengal. There was none better than him north of Shivaji Park or South of Dadar Union. One of the few Indian commentators who speaks English during English commentary sessions.

Laxman Sivaramakrishnan: Talks about Shane Warne when Shane Warne it is who should have been talking about him. Fell short in his tally of wickets in Tests - some 350 wickets short. Took 18 Test a wicket in 18 hours and then in another little over 18 days of playing international cricket, his career was over. Bowls between commentary sessions. Nurses hopes of comeback into the Indian team as a leg-spinner. That possibility looks brighter than his future as a commentator.

Maninder Singh: Occasional cricketer, occasional commentator. Used to frequently change his bowling action. After retirement, is frequently changing his profession. Was umpire to start with, is now a commentator. Even he does not know what he will be tomorrow.

Harsha Bhogle: As a commentator and writer, he is John Arlott and Neville Cardus rolled into one. Paints pictures and words that make hearing and reading more enjoyable than actually watching the game. Only mediaperson whose questions are more interesting than the answers he gets. Like Viswanathan Anand and Sachin Tendulkar, a humble icon of our times. As a friend, was middle class Azharuddin's greatest wealth till Azhar suffered from wealth `fixation'.

Manoj Prabhakar: Actually, he had no business to be in this list. Of course, some would say that he had no business to be in so many other places as well. Prabhakar went in `hunt' for a job as TV commentator. He could not understand why an army of security men wanted him to go beyond frisking him nude. Rejected the job even before appearing in front of the selection panel. ``Arre, what else is there to hide?'' he told Tehelka in an exclusive interview. Prabhakar did not realise the security concerns were not just what else, but where else?!

(This piece, a deviation from serious introspection of the game, was inspired by the inimitable Busybee. The above satire was published in The Afternoon Despatch & Courier, a newspaper founded and edited by Behram Contractor, aka Busybee, shortly after his death in early 2001.

Condom Is Known By The Company It Keeps

2005-10-20T20:25:00.000+05:30

Punch line is a very critical component of advertising. See the dramatic transformation when the same punch line is used for condom advertising…

Aaj Tak Condom - Sabse tej
Alpenlibie Lollypop Condoms - Lage raho, din raat lage raho
Alto Condom - Let's go
American Express Condom - Don't leave home without it
Amul Condom – A gift for someone you love
Aviva Condom - Kal par control
Bagpiper Condom – Khub jamengi rang, jab milenge teen yaar – mai, aap ur Bagpiper condom
Bagpiper Condom - Har shaam ka saathi, main aur mera Bagpiper condom
Birla Condoms: Is condom mein jaan hai
Brittania Tiger Condom - Jamm ke karo, kuch banke dikhao... ting, ting tidding
Cadbury (flavoured) Condom – Asli swad zindagi ka
Casper Mosquito Repellent Condom - Maccharon ko jisse lagta hai dar
Closeup Condom – Kya aap Closeup karte hai?
Coldorin Condom - Sardi se aaram, chusti se challe kaam! Coldarin!
Colgate Condom – Yeh hai hamara surkahsa chakara
Dabur Ka Lal Dantmanjan Condom - Daaton ki karey hifazat, moti sa chamkaaye!
Deutsche Bank Condom – Passion to perform
Dunlop Condoms - Extra wide, extra grip
Eveready Condom - Give me red
Ford Ikon Condoms - The Josh Machine
Gadgil Condoms - Environmental friendly, reusable
Hanes Condoms -No scratchy labels!
Hero Honda Condom - Fill it, Shut it, Forget it
Iodex Condom - Iodex lagaiye kaam pe chaliye
Kelvinator Condom –The coolest one
Kingfisher Condoms - The king of good times
Lux Condoms - Filmi sitatron ki pasaand
Maggi Hot & Sweet Tomato Chilli Condom – It’s different!
Maggi 2-Minute Condom - Khaane mein mazedaar!
Manikchand Condoms - Oonche lo, oonchi pasand
McDonalds Condom - Am loving it
Milkfood Desi Ghee Condom - Milkfood desi ghee condom kya kamaal hai... bhai wah!
Mirinda Condom – Zor ka jhatka dhirese laga
Moov Condoms – Ah se ahaa tak
MRF Condoms – Extra rubber, extra mileage
New Alto Condom - It's a fresh new feeling
Nike Condom - Just do it
Nokia Condoms – Connecting people
Nirma Condom – Dhoodh si safedi, Nirma se aayi
Onida Condom - Neighbours’ envy, owner’s pride
Ok Condom - Sachmuch, kaafi bada hai!
Panama Condom – Nothing between you and me
Pan Parag - Ek se mera kya hoga?
Pepsi Condom – Yeh dil maange more
Pepsodent Condom – Raat bhar dhishum, dhishum
Philips Condom – Let’s make things better
Polo Condom – A condom with a hole
Prestige Cooker Condom – Jo biwi se kare pyar, who condom se kaise kare inkar?
Rasna Condom - Rasna ka har zaayeka sabke man ki bujhaaye pyaas!
Rin Condom - Bhala uska condom mere condom se safeed kaisa?
Rooh Afzah Condom - Ahhhhhh .... Rooh Afzah!!
Rotomac Condom – Sab kuch dikhta hai
Rupa Condoms - Yeh aaram ka maamla hain
Siemens Condom – Commmunication unlimited
Stayfree condoms - Un zaroori dinon ke liye
Surf Excel Condom – Dhoondte reh jaaoge
Sumo Condom - Zindagi mein maukey to badey aatey hein, bus kuchh hee log unka fayda uthaa jaatey hein ... kuchh log sumo lagatey hein
Thums Up Condom - Taste the thunder
Vicco Turmeric Condom - Tvacha ki raksha karey, antiseptic cream
Vicks Condom – Vicks ki condom lo, khick, khick door karo
Videocon Condom - Bada hai tho Behtar hai
Wrigleys Orbit condom - Helps protect against tooth decay

Click here for more

Flashback: 1996 World Cup Oscars

2005-10-20T13:00:00.000+05:30

H Natarajan

The 1996 World Cup cricket had several moments that ranged from the spectacular to the ridiculous. It had its heroes and villains and it had its moments on and off the field. The nominees were aplenty, but the World Cup Oscars finally went to…

The UN Award for International Unity: To the UAE team comprising 12 foreigners.

The Carnegie Award for Winning Friends and Influencing People: To Javed Miandad for inviting Bal Thackeray to witness the World Cup final as his personal guest.

The Gone With The Wind Award: To Italian Gianfranco Lunetta for blowing away the laser show at the opening ceremony.

The Venky's Award for The Best Chicken: To Mark Taylor's team for persuading the Australian Cricket Board not to send the team to Colombo.

The Where Eagles Dare Award for Unsung Bravery: To Kenya and Zimbabwe jointly for flying to Colombo.

The Amul Award for The Best Slip Tease: To the butter-fingered English team.

The Elizabeth Taylor Award for Split Decision: To Md Azharuddin for announcing his divorce just before going to out to toss in the Gwalior match against the West Indies.

The Coca-Cola Award for The Best Unofficial Campaign: To Pepsi for stealing the thunder over Coke.

The Muhammad Ali Award for The Best Knock-out Repartee: To Arjuna Ranatunga for reacting to Shane Warne’s stare in the final by saying: ``When I bat, I don't look at eyeballs or any other balls. I look at only the cricket ball.''

The Benazir Bhutto Award for The Best TV Editing: To Pakistan TV for almost succeeding in making the viewers believe that Imran Khan did not exist when Pakistan won the 1992 World Cup.

The Public Choice for The WG Grace Award for The Best Acting: Wasim Akram. Around 95% of Pakistan voted for the man they thought who missed the Bangalore match against India feigning injury.

The HKL Bhagat Award for orchestrated crowd trouble: To the Eden Garden spectators at the India-Sri Lanka semis.

The Laxmi Parvati Award for An Extra Turning Into A Hero: To Sanath Jayasuriya, who came into the World Cup with a career batting average of 19.73 and smashed everyone around to win the Most Valuable Player Of The Championship Award.

The Onida Award for The Best Envy: To Pakistanis for their reactions after India lost to Sri Lanka in the semis.

The Home Alone Award: To the Pakistan team for sneaking into their country and shutting themselves up to avoid the backlash after losing to India at Bangalore.

The Maneka Gandhi Award for Championing The Cause of Animal Rights: To the sizable contingent of Indian journalists in Pakistan who skipped several lunches and dinners for want of vegetarian food.

The Jim Corbett Award for Big Game Hunting: To the Kenyan team for shooting down the West Indies without expending a single bullet.

The BCCI Selectors Award for The Best Player-joker: To Mike Atherton for his attempt to raise a laugh by calling a Pakistani journalist buffoon in the midst of a post-match press conference.

The East India Company Award for The Best Attempt To Revive The Days of The Raj: To Ray Illingworth who insisted on addressing the British and the Indian media separately in Ahmedabad.

The Sumo Wrestlers Association Award for The Best Body: To Inzamam-ul-Haq.

The Fort Knox Award for The Most Unbelievable Robbery: To Kenya for stealing two certain points from the West Indies.

The Nike Award for Just Doing It: To the Lankan team for winning the World Cup.

Crazy boys in school….Part I

2005-10-20T11:56:00.000+05:30

By H Natarajan

This is JAM’s own version of outrageous schoolboy jokes. The central characters are the foursome of Rajesh, Jiten, Vincent and me (Natty).

Rajesh: You cannot ever find him wit-drawn. They say he is from the Ad world, but we say he is from the Mad world. This wordsmith par excellence is never stumped for an answer. Saar hails from Chennai.

Jiten: He is in the IT field, but his brand equity lies in the fact that he is Vatsayana, Osho and Hugh Hefner rolled into one. Two things about him that cannot be disputed – he is the fastest this side of the Atlantic when it comes to repartees and that he is John Travolta in dirty dancing – aka pole dancing.

Vince: After famously posing with a knife like Crocodile Dundee, he was dubbed – and ribbed - “Mosaley” (Crocodile in Kannada) Vincent. He runs a flourishing BPO business from Bangalore. The top three loves of his life are cricket, cricket and cricket. When he wants to get away from cricket, he relaxes with a peg of Pepsi and a bottle of Old Monk all alone somewhere up in the east stands of the Chinnaswamy Stadium.

Natty: I think I am the best précis writer in the world, but my friends Rajesh, Vince and Jiten think otherwise. Its okay, everybody makes mistakes – hello, I am not talking about myself! If cricket is Vince’s love, then it’s my bread, butter and jam; make a living writing about cricket. Roots are in Mumbai but like to globe-trot when lust…ooops, wanderlust beckons.

---------
Teacher: Complete the following. You can lead a horse to water, but you...

Vince....cannot make him drunk!
Jiten......cannot take his arse!
Rajesh...cannot make him mix his Rum!
Natty.....cannot make him do the backstroke!
…

Teacher: What’s your opinion of Mallika Sherawat?

Vince: Outcaste
Jiten: Typecast
Natty: Hypecast
Rajesh: Couchcast
…

Teacher: All you boys want to become cricketers. Tell me then, is drinking good or bad for cricketers?

Jiten: It was good, but RR Patil took the joys out of drinking.
Rajesh: Very good; you don’t get worms in your tummy.
Natty: It has to be good, else why would there be drinks interval in cricket?
Vince: Definitely good for cricket. It helps you walk like a Murali off-break and a Bhajji ‘doosra’ alternatively.
…

Teacher: Is there any similarity between cricket and women?

Jiten: Yeah, it’s all about a good catch.
Vince: Wrong, Jiten. It’s about bowling maiden overs.
Natty: Both you guys are mistaken. It’s all about scoring where a lot depends on the condition of the pitch.
Rajesh: All balls…I mean the analogy with fielding, bowling and batting is totally wrong. In cricket as in women, it’s all about figures.
…

Cricket coach: What’s your favourite position on the cricket field?

Natty: Loooooooooong leg :)
Jiten: Slip - something about the name and the feet position!
Vince: Any uncompromising position.
Rajesh: Missionary position!!!
…

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?"

Natty: “You may be little more polite than Ganguly, but that’s still obnoxious.”
Jiten: “I don’t know the answer, but heck, you are one teacher who talks the language of the students."
Rajesh: “It’s the coat Sheetal Mallar ties on her head in a bun after a steamy session on the bed."
Vincent: “You guys are all perverts. The answer is “coconut’.”
…

Teacher: “What is marriage between one man and one woman called?”

Natty: “A relationship like the Indian cricket team coach and captain - both trying in vain to make the world believe they have no problems with each believing the other is the problem.”
Jiten: “Monotony.”
Rajesh: “Bad news. No noose is good news. The man first ties the noose (mangalsutra) around the woman’s neck while the woman uses that later to tighten it around the husband’s neck!
Vince: Outsourcing thru matrimony
…

Teacher: If I had one ball in one hand and as many in the other, what would I have?

Vince: A slime ball.
Rajesh: Ah! Two balls in hand are worth than a bird in the bush!
Natty: Temptations for ball tampering.
Jiten: Self-appeasement!
…

It’s the much-awaited sex education class. The teacher asks, “What comes to your mind first when you think of sex? Use your imagination.”

Jiten: Whatever cums is not in the mind, teacher.
Vince: Middlesex. Ah, cricket at Lord’s!
Natty: Oral sex of my neighbours. They are forever at each other shouting: “F..k you.”
Rajesh: Hmmmm...Height of imagination...Sex with T-Rex!
…

Sex-education teacher: Boy who goes to bed with sexual problem…

Natty: …wakes up with solution in hand.
Vince: …should stop visiting Uncle Michael Jackson.
Jiten: …cannot rise to the occasion.
Rajesh: …could become positive for life.
…

Ganguly's teacher: Boys, give me some novel and convincing reasons that Sourav can tell Dalmiya to get Chappell sacked?

Natty: Sourav should say that at least seven members of the team find the stink of his underarm unbearable.
Vince: Sourav should say that a democratic country like India should not align with Hitler’s descendent.
Jiten: Sourav should say Chappell is a match fixer (trying to fix a XI without Ganguly)
Rajesh: Tell him the coach is a Pawar mongerer (That will be music to Dalmiya’s ears)
…

Teacher: Complete the following. A bird in hand...

Vince...makes better study in ornithology.
Natty...is not as exciting as Garner in full flight.
Jiten...is better than trying to ambush two.
Rajesh…can get quite messy.
…

Teacher: Now that you have completed one year of the lip-reading class, tell me what did Yuvraj say soon after getting a hundred in Sri Lanka?

Jiten: He was saying “hi” to somebody’s sister in Australia.
Rajesh: He was feeling like a Roman gladiator and shouted “Ben Hur” in his moment of triumph. Natty: He was signaling for a fresh ‘baniyan’ to the dressing room. “Yeh andhar ki (dressing room ki) baat hai jo aam aadmi ki samajh ke baahar hai. Beekar mein usey badnaam karte hai public.”
Vince: I got distracted by a call from the US client, but I caught one word, “bane.” My cricketing knowledge says that it has something to do with what he considers the bane of Indian cricket.
…

Teacher: What, in cricket, gives you most pleasure?

Vince: Cuts, nicks and slashes.
Jiten: Fondl….ooops. Handling the new ball.
Natty: Driving in the ‘V’.
Rajesh: Swinging….but don’t know to swing both ways!
...

Coach: What do you think of Natty’s batting?

Vince: Natty doesn’t know where his off stump is.
Jiten: Natty doesn’t know where his leg stump is.
Rajesh: Natty doesn’t know where he is.
...

Coach: What do you think of Jiten’s bowling?

Natty: Jiten is the best when firing into the block hole. (wink)
Rajesh: Jiten is a good swinger (wink)
Vince: Jiten says he is an offie but I think he is just spins (wink, wink)
…

Teacher: What do you think of Vincent’s commentary?

Natty: Vince is like Kapil Dev – he knows his cricket but doesn’t know commentary.
Jiten: Vince is like Jasdev Singh – he knows commentary but doesn’t know cricket.
Rajesh: Vince is like my uncle - neither knows cricket nor commentary.
…

Teacher: What do you think of Rajesh’s Sidhuisms?

Natty: I think Rajesh is Sidhu’s script writer.
Jiten: I think Sidhu is Rajesh’s script writer.
Vince: I think Rajesh and Sidhu are one and the same – a case of split personalities.

Crazy boys in school…Part 2

2005-10-20T09:50:00.000+05:30

By R.Rajesh

Teacher: Now what's the plural of baby?
Natty: Twins!
Rajesh: Oooh...Baby baby...?
Vince: Main chaaku se nasbandi kiya tho no plural vlural.
Jiten: If the pole goes into the (w)hole twice, does it make twins?
...

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Rajesh: I'm very good at Math...it’s just the arithmetic that baffles me.
Natty: Having covered so much cricket, I'm very good at math-fixing
Vince: Of course. 'Do aur do paanch' maine dus baar dekha hai!
Jiten: How many Poles does it take to screw one blonde? Five! Four to hold her down and the 5th to fetch the carpenter. Aint I good at math?
...

Teacher: Name four members of the cat family.
Natty: Pop Cat, Mom Cat, and two Kittens
Rajesh: MAK (Tiger) Pataudi, Sourav Ganguly (Bengal Tiger), Prabhakaran (Tamil Tiger) and Shobha De ( you can’t get cattier than her!)
Jiten: Any four women...sniff!
Vince: Main cats ka bhi nasbandi kar doonga..no family shamily (sinister glare).
...

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Vince: Life imprisonment! (Shudders and throws away his bloody chaaku)
Rajesh: I agree with Vince...it has to be marriage!
Natty: "I Do!" is the longest sentence (Checks to make sure his wife can’t hear him)
Jiten: A pole in a hole is not just the parts but the whole of the universe which resounds to the beat of the dhol for people who Bindaas Bol with a pole that is…
...

Teacher: Why did Sunita take a ruler to bed?
Natty: Because she wanted to see how long she slept!
Rajesh: Because he was the ruler and she was merely a subject
Vince: Coz she could tell her friends the next morning that she slept with someone who was a foot long.
Jiten: She should have taken a pole. At least her dreams would have been interesting.
...

Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Rajesh: Peter Pan
Natty: Do I have to?
Jiten: Pass...
Vince (waving his chaaku): Whadaya mean? You calling me short or what?
...

Teacher: If you were the President of India...
Vince (puffing away on his cigar with a Martini in one hand and a Martina in the other): I'd set a 'Vice' Precedent.
Natty: I'd immediately hold a Press Conference and invite only myself from the Media (long held fantasy...lol)
Jiten: I'd be in 'Pole' position.
Rajesh: I'd immediately abolish Prime Ministership, announce a state of emergency, and make Siddhu paaji my official spokesman.
...

Teacher: I have eight green apples and want to divide it among the four of you. Now each of you stand up and tell me how many apples you will each have.

Natty: Boohoo...I don’t want apples...I prefer a red cherry in my hand.
Vince: All eight, because of my gentle, persuasive skills (brandishes his colt peacemaker and Rambo knife).
Jiten: No Apple shapple. I prefer IBM.
Rajesh: Three. That's two green apples and one Adam's apple.
...

Teacher: Is divorce good or bad?
Rajesh: GOOD. Because it helps the ozone layer by ensuring marriages are made of recyclable material.
Natty: BAD. Because the only thing more expensive than matrimony is alimony.
Vince: GOOD. Because it allows you to have a ball in life. Though, after alimony, that's all will be left :)
Jiten: BAD. Because you should never be poles apart.
...

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Natty: Big hands!
Rajesh (hopefully): Citric Poisoning?
Vince: A job with Tropicana?
Jiten: A sponsorship from Hutch (Otherwise known as Orange)
...

Teacher: Why are there seven days in a week?
Jiten: To recover from the seven nights (Wink, wink).
Vince: I wish there were more...I have so much to do...just signed on a billion dollar BPO deal and I don’t have the time to sign my name on the cheque :-(
Natty: Who said there are seven? There are only 5 days and 48 hours in a week.
Rajesh: ...because seven days without blogging makes one weak :-)
...

Teacher: Why is Jiten absent from class?
Natty: He's undergoing a tonsil inspection (With the gal next door..wink wink)
Vince: He's very forgetful maam...He even forgot he was Ranajit the other day..or was it Angshuman, or...uh...sorry, am so busy these days, I've outsourced my memory
Rajesh (Punju accent): ...Yeah..noticed he had a very bad 'mammary'....
Jiten (on being told about the discussion by Natty): What's Her problem if I'm missing my periods?
...

Teacher: if at all u were marooned in an island and could choose one person to keep you company, who would it be?
Jiten: Sergei Bubka. He could train me to become the best 'pole' vaulter in the world.
Vincent: Mahesh Yogi. We could levitate and leave the island.
Natty: Mallika Sherawat. I'd write the Kamasutra Part II. And give my first autographed copy to Jiten.
Rajesh: Moses. He'll part the sea. And then we just have to walk away.
...

Teacher: Don't you boys want to get married when you grow up?
Vince: No...Suicide is against the law.
Rajesh: Nah...Why buy a book when you can use the library?
Natty (hopefully): ...well, I heard there were also libraries on sale (harem, anyone?)
Jiten (pompous tone): I think marriage is a wonderful institution......but (shudder) I don’t think I'm ready to be institutionalised yet!!!
...

Teacher: OK children, tell me where is Mars?
Jiten: Take the cab to Andheri (West). Then hop onto a rick to Bandra. Get off. Take a cab to Ghatkopar...when u reach a famous vada pav stall, ask for directions to my house...and I'll take u from there.
Vince: Go to the nearest Crosswords, and ask for 'Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy'.
Natty: Ahh..madam...its right after Uranus.
Rajesh: On a clear night u can spot it from Mt Venus.

Teacher: If you were to start an animal farm, which animal would u choose to breed?
Lil Jiten: The donkey, Coz I heard Ms. Saxena Maam say to the Principal, "Every man in Bombay is after my Ass, and I don’t sell it cheap". That's how I plan to make my fortune. (Teacher goes ooohhh...)
Lil Natty: Lil cats...coz I heard her say the same thing, but after Jiten went running for his VC, I heard our Principal say, "An ass is fine but any day I prefer p...." (By now the teacher was choking)
Lil Vince: I'll set up a rooster farm, coz when I sneaked up after Natty ran away and heard Saxena maam say in a strange voice," Omigosh sir, but that’s the kinda .... every woman dreams of". So I Think I'll be the richest (by now the teacher is tottering, glassy eyed)
Lil Rajesh: Camels maaam! Coz I was also there...and after some time I heard our Princie say," ahhh...forget everything else..at the end of the day, all a man wants is a good 'hump'." And I heard Saxena maam say, "Amen"
(Just then the class hears a loud thud, and look up to see the teacher has fainted at the desk)
...

Teacher: Why is Bra singular and panties plural?
Jiten: er...uh...ahh....does it matter... yeh sab andar ki baat hai yaaar.
Vince: Bcoz a Bra is the one thing that uplifts womanhood, while er...panties, or the lack of them help you multiply and become plural...uhh...I think:-(
Natty: Bra, bcoz they say 'cup' size, not 'cups' size. Panties, bcoz they make u do a double take.
Rajesh: By the way...its called a panty....just because you see double after ur old monk, doesn’t make them panties...so I wont answer this.
...

Teacher: How many states are there in India?
Jiten: Thirty nine. Including Azad Kashmir, and the 12 states of Poland (Pole-land)
Rajesh: Three madam. Solid, Liquid and Gas.
Natty: I agree...the solid states are the states with good infrastructure and industrial development like TN/Karnataka/Kerala/Maharashtra/Gujarat. The 'liquid' states are the states which have greater liquidity among a chosen few, but little real development. This list includes: Delhi/Haryana/Punjab/Bengal/AP/Rajastjan/MP/North East/Goa. The 'Gas' states are everything else with Bihar and UP as permanent members.
Vince: We are all in a 'State' of suspense about what will happen in the BCCI review committee meeting to discuss the 'state' of Indian cricket :-(
...

Grammar Teacher: give me some examples of singular/plural.
Vince: 'Twins' is the plural of 'son'!
Natty: Son? How can u be so sexist Vince? Here, lemme do my bit for womankind. Singular: Woman. Plural: pregnant woman.
Jiten: hmmm... ok. Singular is 'Pole'. Plural of 'pole' is 'freak'. How? coz...just imagine a guy with many poles.....wont he be a freak....ahhh.. ouch...stop throwing egg(s) at me
Rajesh: The plural of 'spouse' is 'spice'...uh huh....haven't u guys heard the plural of 'mouse'?? ohhh...ouch....stop throwing the hen at me (is hen plural of eggs??) Ouchhhhh!!
...

Teacher: What is the National bird of India?
Jiten: Mallika Sherawat
Vince: Mosquito. Even my chaku is powerless against the Bangalore mosquitoes.
Natty: Dove. And this has been sponsored by Hindustan Lever.
Rajesh: Tandoori Chicken?
...

Teacher: What do you feel about junk food?
Jiten: I agree. Junk food. Drink Beer.
Rajesh: Oh I feel it is good. This must be food which comes from the junkyard. And everyone knows recycling is the new mantra and is eco friendly too. So it must be good.
Vince: Junk food? Is that what a 'junkie' eats? No maam...I yam not into drugs, I say...
Natty: If you consider the pros and cons of the consumption of junk foods and what constitutes junk food and what doesn’t you come to the conclusion that you need to analyse this a little more, which is why you need to look at it holistically, both from a bird's eye view and a worm's eye view and see if organic eating habits can be inculcated (words drowned out by sound of snores)
...

Teacher: Describe an elephant
Vince: A very dangerous, animal rowdy with two chaakus on either side of mouth.
Natty: An animal that can make a trunk call without using a phone.
Jiten: Four Thick poles to stand on. Two sharp poles near mouth. One long, flexi-pole that usually dangles, but can stand up too (Am talking about the trunk u perverts).
Rajesh: Mobile carry case for elephant dung :-(
...

Teacher: What's the difference between rape and seduction?
Vince: Seduction is 'organ'ic while rape is mostly outsourced.
Jiten: The difference is salesmanship
NATTY: Seduction is like the gentle caress of a Gower cover drive, where he strokes it so beautifully, even the bowler goes weak in the knees. Rape is what Garry Sobers did to Malcolm Nash, and Ravi Shastri to Tilak Raj and Javed Miandad to Chetan Sharma....
Rajesh: Rape is 'nonconsensual while seduction is 'con'sensual (Wink, wink) :-))
...

English Teacher: complete the proverb.
"Where there's a will...
Vince: There's a willy (snigger)
Natty: There's an 'only if..' For eg., I will...only if...(that's why its called the conditional phrase)
Jiten: ..there will always be a 'won't' :-((
Rajesh...there'll be a crooked lawyer and three ex-siblings
...

Teacher: What’s the difference between an accident and a disaster?
Jiten: Just a matter of scale. First my parents said I was an accident. But now they claim I've grown up to be a full scale disaster.
Natty: If Jiten slips and falls into the drain, it'd be an accident. If someone were to rescue him it'd be a disaster.
Vince: Love is an accident. Marriage is a disaster.
Rajesh: When u bump into someone unintentionally, it’s an accident. When you bump into someone unintentionally, and the accident comes to light nine months later, it’s a disaster.
...

Teacher: Who invented the steam engine?
Vince: Watt?
Jiten: Not what dumbo...it’s who?
Natty: Uffo...its Wattt. James Watt.
Rajesh: Must be James something...even I dunno what...
Teacher: aaarrgh...I cant believe this class.
Vince (earnestly): No maam...believe us..it was Watt..it was Watt
Jiten: sheesh...wrong grammer..should be 'what was it?' Not 'it was what'
Natty: aiyaiyoo....you morons. He's saying it was James Watt. James is his first name. Watt is his surname.
Rajesh: If u dunno what’s his surname say so...don’t shout...and I already told you I dont know either.

(Teacher faints)

VINCE: Oh no...maam has passed out. someone go get smelling salts.
Jiten: But if she's fainted, how can she smell?
Natty: shaddddup...Rajesh, do u know where to get smelling salts?
Rajesh: I think so. (Runs off and returns with a mouldy package). See here. My mom bought some salt in 1998 and forgot all about it. After all these years it should be really smelling..(opens the pack)
(Vince, Jiten and Natty also faint, and Rajesh is left with a bemused expression on his face)
...

Coach: Complete the following - 'All work and no play.....'
Vince: Will get you a job in my BPO.
Natty: Will make me lose my job
Rajesh: makes Jack the CEO
Jiten: Is like all pole, no hole. No relief at all :-)
...

Teacher: Create a sentence with the word 'imagination'
Vince: Imagi'nation' is a country that exists in your mind.
Natty: Imagination is a word, not a sentence.
Jiten: Not in your wildest imagination will you get a pole this big.
Rajesh: Use your imagination to complete my sentence.
...

Teacher: What is life?
Vince: Life is what happens when your busy setting up BPOs.
Rajesh: Life is a female dog
Natty: Life...is a vacuum cleaner. It sucks.
Jiten: Life is what happens when someone forgets the condom.
...

Teacher: What is a 'beauty parlour'?
Natty: Where ugly women with dull skin go to return as ugly women with glowing skin
Jiten: A whorehouse? (Hey...like an ice cream parlour stocks ice cream.....hey hey..stop throwing chappals at me..)
Rajesh: Where women go to curl and dye.
Vince: ...where your face is their fortune!
...

Teacher: You four break up into two teams and complete the following proverbs, one after the other:
1. ' One swallow....
Vince: ...isn't enough to get drunk
Rajesh: ...doesn't make a Monica

2. ' He who finds a friend...
Natty:...must have looked very hard indeed'
Jiten:...must have looked for an 'f' word in the dictionary'

3.' A fool and his money....
Vince: ...attract women like bees to honey'
Rajesh:...are always welcome to invest in my new scheme'

4. 'A rolling stone...
Natty:...makes one fifth a music quintet'
Jiten:...doesn’t get a parking ticket'

5. 'A stitch in time...
VIince:...means you lose out on overtime wages'
Rajesh...is bad news for tailors'

6. 'After the storm, comes...
Natty:...malaria'
Jiten:...the wet saree dance :-)'

7. 'An Apple a day...
Vince: ...keeps the Himachal Pradesh economy afloat'
Rajesh:...keeps IBM away

8. 'Discretion is the better part...
Natty:...of excretion' (holding his nose as he passes a particular stretch on Dharavi)
Jiten:...of the rear seat in a drive in theatre'

9. 'Necessity is the mother...
Vince:........of outsourcing'
Rajesh:...of all of us'

10. 'Old soldiers never die...
Natty:...they simply write memoirs and get rich'
Jiten:...they 'dye' and become young soldiers again'

Crazy boys in school….Part 3

2005-10-20T09:45:00.000+05:30

By Vincent Sunder

Teacher: Which is mightier? Pen or sword? Answer in just one sentence.
Natty: Can one sentence be four pages long please?
Jiten: Neither, the Pole is mightier!
Vince: Noooo, Rajesh's keyboard is supreme!
Rajesh: All are wrong, it is Ganguly's bat!
...

Greg Chappell: How do I deal with Saurav?
Jiten: Don’t spare the 'pole' and spoil Saurav
Rajesh: Chappell, use your chappal
Vince: Set a mad dog behind his back
Natty: Try some 'under arm' tactics
...

Raj Singh Dungarpur: Why the heck did Ashish Nehra turn up at the BCCI Review Committee Meeting?
Rajesh: To provide moral support to Ganguly and give proof of Chappell's high-handedness by showing the coach's bootmarks on his butt!
Jiten: He also wanted to resolve the 'leak'!! He came in to ask Greg to remove the pole that Greg had shoved you know where!! He has been having "multiple leaks" every morning since returning from Zimbabwe!
Vince: The Board Secretary mistook the committee's request to have Ash (Aishwarya - to provide some entertainment) and wrongly summoned Ashish Nehra!
Natty: Since he was sent home and wasn't around in Zimbabwe during the Tests, he was the ideal person to tell the committee what really transpired.
...

Teacher: What are the ill effects of drinking?
Jiten: Not drinking for a while.
Rajesh: Being hauled up for drunken driving!
Natty: Bad cold - I am very allergic to nimboopani
Vince: Drink or no drink, I often wonder which is this new place I have woken up at!
...

Teacher: Why is Vince looking like a dog?
Jiten: Whatever! Just don’t tie him to my pole.
Rajesh: He likes anything doggie style!
Natty: If you look at the evolution of mankind from ages, you would have noticed that
the changes that have occurred have not been instant, but in fact have evolved over a long period of time, and in this evolution which brought about the change, there has been a high degree of variations, which is the result of ....
Vince: (running after Natty's ) Grrrrrrrrrrrrr..... bowwwhhhhh!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! boowwwhhhhh!!! Bowwwhhh!
...

Rewind: People & headlines that will rock 2005

2005-10-20T08:58:00.000+05:30

By H Natarajan

What does 2005 hold in store for us? I made a trip to my favourite astrologer, Dejan Baruwalla, who predicted some of the most inconceivable happenings that will make big news in 2005.

The top 10:

Chal sanyasin, mandir mein: If you think Uma Bharti is not good looking, think again. She will bag the leading lady’s role in Muzaffar Ali’s film opposite Govindacharya. The focus of Muzaffar Ali’s film is the heroine and it will be titled Umajaan.

Pakistan will be known by D Company it keeps: Dawood Ibrahim will become the next President of Pakistan. He will begin his first-ever televised speech on Independence Day assuring the citizens of Pakistan: “Beedo log darne ka nahin. Bole to, tenshun lenekach nai. Apunka chokra log Hindustan ko ek dum hilla dalenge, ye Bhai ka zaban hai hai, kya? Deko, appunko jaada pukkaneka nahin... bus abhi kutt lo.”

Kahani Kiss, Kiss Ki: This will be Ekta Kapoor’s much-hyped film of the year. Kareena Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor will star in the romantic flick titled, “2005 – A Love Story”. The year’s runaway hit song will be from this film, “Kiss na karo, kiss bhi na karo.”

Attaboy & MJ: Jayalalitha and AB Vajypayee will become VLCC’s biggest selling factors after acquiring hot new bods. Ms Jayalaitha, in her new avtaar, will believe in designer hotties and would want to be fashionably addressed as Ms Jay or by the trendier initials, “MJ”.

The new-look Vajyapee will switch to faded jeans and L’Oreal-streaked hair. He will become a youth icon and will enhance his image by heading the youth wing of the BJP. He will walk faster than Soniaji, whom he will tick off in the Parliament, saying: “Lizzenn, honey…I think u need to slam-dunk this dude (Mani) Shanks. Too much natural gas…and u know I am not taking about his portfolio.”

Gone will be Vajypayee’s super slow-mo speeches. Attaboy will become the fastest speaker in Parliament. MRF will cash in on the Riplesque transformation and will come up with an ad that features Brett Lee, Shoaib Akhtar and Attaboy.”

Top of the pops to stop of the pops: Mallika Sherawat will be seen at a public function in a saree. It will be a record of sorts because in one single moment she would have more clothing on her body than what she normally has in an entire week. She will look beautiful in a saree, but will go completely unrecognised.

Mere bhains ko dhanda matth maaro: Laloo Prasad will go to Switzerland on a shopping expedition. His children will return with 2000 variety of chocolates while Laloo will get home the source of the chocolates - 2000 buffaloes! He will ask his government to give him tax exemption on the 2000 buffaloes. The government will refuse after people protest in unison. But Laloo will stride before television camera and says: “Kya hum aur Rabadeee Devi Sachin Tendulkar se kuch kum hai, ka? Why repyuj me? Jab Sachin ke Furr-ra-ree ko tax maaf hai, to humka kyon naaahin? Huth, tuth…”

Waah, Paaji! The year’s biggest divorce will have to do with a filmstar…a political divorce. Gharam Dharam will quit politics after he will be suspended from the party for speaking his heart out against what he will think are the wrongdoings of his bosses.

“Mein in kutton ka khoon pi jayoonga,” (Dog’s blood will, however, continue to be the Macho 60-plus’s favourite drink in 2005).

Dharmendra will emerge winner in this battle. The only minor problem will come from the Society of Prevention for Cruelty to Animals (SPCA). They will protest that it’s not politically correct to speak uncharitably about dogs by comparing it to politicians. The charming Dharam will floor the SPCA with his emotion and charm. He will even break into a song, “Kuttein, mann ke sachhe, saare jug ke ankh ke taare…” and bring tears in the eyes of the SPCA protestors.

Koi Mill Gaya: One of the big Bollywood surprises of the year will be Rakesh Roshan’s new home production. The film will not be shot in exotic foreign locales like all Roshan films. Instead, it will be extensively filmed in the many cotton mill graveyards of Mumbai.

Hritikh Roshan will be seen as an anti-hero; a heartless millowner who cares a damn for the hungry, dying, out-of-work millworkers. He will be a tycoon obsessed with his gym work and body.

As always, the Roshans will churn out superhit songs. The pick of which will be: “Kassrut karne walon ke, seeney dil bhardo…” which a dukhiyari millworker’s wife sings outside the hero’s hi-fi gym.

Mediaman of the year: He will be a dude who has converted a sizable portion of a tea-drinking nation to Koffee. No prize for guessing who…KJo’s popularity is scaling heights greater than JLo’s…Karan Johar is the man. Way to go!

Quote of the year: “It’s like a naïve college girl applying Iodex on her stomach to terminate an accidental pregnancy. The simple fact is that Indian cricketers do not know what it takes to solve the problem.”

What do you mean, ‘Who said this?’ Who else, but Navjot Singh Sidhu!!!

Question hour...

2005-10-19T09:08:00.000+05:30

Mujhe pehchano, mein hoon kaun?

By H Natarajan

Q: What time do you get up?
A: When nightmare drives away my sweet dreams.

Q: If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be?
A: The one who first volunteers to pay the bill.

Q: Gold or Silver?
A: Silver, of course! Gold is old!

Q: What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
A: Santa vs Santa…(Starring Robin Williams as Santa Claus and Jaspal Bhatti as Santa Singh. It’s about two Santas – one who invites copious love and the other loads of ridicule)

Q: What is your favourite TV show?
A: DD’s comedy. (No spelling mistake there, pleez!)

Q: What did you have for breakfast?
A: Serials (No, no no….not cereals. I am TV addict with a huge appetite for serials)

Q: Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?
A: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee…. Errr…I mean, I would prefer Tommy Lee leaves the room.

Q: Who inspires you?
A: My mirror.

Q: Beach, Lake, City or Country?
A: Beach… The Pamela factor, you see.

Q: Favorite ice cream?
A: Sushmita Sen.

Q: Butter, plain or salted popcorn?
A: Plain butter on salted popcorn.

Q: Favorite colour?
A: Sorry, I am colour blind.

Q: What kind of car do you drive?
A: Any car. Drivers can decide on which boss to work, but not which car they will drive.

Q: Favorite sandwich?
A: (Priya) Gill sandwich.

Q: What characteristic do you despise?
A: Anybody talking while I am interrupting.

Q: Favorite flower?
A: Andy Flower.

Q: If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: Anywhere where Aeroflot flies. They offer the best prices for passengers… “Standing room only” tickets are marginally more than BEST bus tickets.

Q: What colour is your bathroom?
A: Before bath or after bath?

Q: Favorite brand of clothing?
A: DKNY – Dadoji Kondiba Nanasaheb Yavatmalkar.

Q: Where would you retire?
A: To MY bed …usually, generally, but now always!

Q: Favorite day of the week?
A: Make that plural…Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Q: What did you do for your last birthday?
A: Called up all my friends to wish me.

Q: Favorite sport to watch?
A: Bird watching (Not to be confused with the ornithology kind)

Q: What fabric detergent do you use?
A: Good clothes, I borrow from the laundry – saves washing cost. Other clothes are not worth washing – saves washing cost.

Q: Coke or Pepsi?
A: Both are equally good…both clean up my toilet equally efficiently.

Q: Are you a morning person or a night owl?
A: I throw so much light around, I don’t know what night looks like.

Q: What is your shoe size?
A: Not sure…But friends tell me it’s too big for my boots.

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: Shhhhhhhh. Yes! My neighbour’s wife.

Q: Which is your favourite pastime?
A: Answering questionnaires like this.

Q: What’s your poison?
A: Bloody Mary…Actually, I have no problems with any Mary.

Q: What time do you go to sleep?
A: Depends!!!!

Ranbir Singh's infamous media conference - the 'untold' side

2005-10-15T16:22:00.000+05:30

By H Natarajan

In a ‘landmark decision’ on Tuesday, the Board of Control for Cricket in India decided “to take Indian cricket forward.” Ranbir Singh Mahendra, President of the Board of Control for Cricket in India, disclosed this to an army of media people waiting for hours in anticipation of a momentous announcement. BCCI’s progressive intention will be carried out with “performance as the criteria.”

The cricketing world was quick to applaud the BCCI decision. Cricket board of Australia, England and South Africa ringing up key officials of the Indian to share the mantra.

Excerpts of the media conference:

Media: What was the collective thinking of the Review Committee?
Ranbir Singh: The committee felt the best way forward was to get Chappell and Ganguly in a comprising position.

M: And they agreed!
RS: If it makes both parties happy, why will they not? Of course they agreed. Some things will always be behind closed doors.

M: What will the BCCI watch?
RS: Performances.

M: Is the BCCI confident of Ganguly kissing and making up with the coach? Will he deliver?
RS: Moods have changed. The committee ensured that both of them got into a compromising position…We have no reason to believe he can’t deliver.

M: Is the BCCI going to appoint a media manager?
RS: We have been on the lookout for one for years. Unfortunately, we are not getting someone who has a management degree from IIM-A as well as qualifications in media from Colombia College of Journalism.

M: Sir, what decision has been taken about the e-mail leak?
RS: We have taken a strong decision that board members will not leak. It stinks, you see.

M: What is the committee’s decision on Sourav Ganguly?
RS: He has been given a clean chit.

M: Clean chick?!!!
RS: Don’t put words in my mouth, yaar. I said chit.

M: And what about Chappell?
RS: He has also been given a clean chit.

M: Clean cheat, did you say?
RS: Again you are putting words in my mouth. I said chit.

M: Sir, is it true that even while the meeting was under way there were calls from foreign cricket boards to outsource BCCI administrative talent?
RS: Yes, it’s true. They find our administrators cheap, hence the idea of outsourcing. Our marketing wizard is opening a new arm called Board Process Outsourcing (BPO).

M: Is the captain be gung-ho now?
RS: Arrey, there is no change in captaincy. It’s still Ganguly.

M: We heard Ganguly complained that Chappell wants to be the boss and that he even went out to toss with the rival captain without his knowledge during a warm-up game while the team was still practicing.
RS: Nahin yaar, there is some miscommunication. Chappell was filming a shoot for Toss ka boss.

M: Sir, did you have a word with Chappell after the Review Committee meeting? Is he happy?
RS: I met him in brief coming out of the loo. All that he told me was the pressure was too much and that he is relieved.

M: Did Chappell and Ganguly play pool after their meeting?
RS: We wanted them to play, but we did not have balls.

M: Who did not have balls?
RS: Arrey, the hotel. The pool table was there but there were no balls….Thank you ladies and gentleman.

---

NB: This is for those who still haven’t seen through, the above interview is a spoof. The edited version appeared in Ngage.

Adaptations: Hollywood to Bollywood and Bollywood to Hollywood...

2005-10-14T19:37:00.000+05:30

Pick a well-known dialogue from an English film and let your imagination run wild as to how the same dialogue would be delivered by a Bollywood star if the film were remade in Hindi. Or vice-versa.

I have given the examples Amitabh Bachhan, Dharmendra and Ajit using a famed dialogue from the film “Patton”.

General Patton: “No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.".....Major Vijay (Amitabh Bachhan): “Koi mai ka laal aapne wattan ke liye kurbaan hokar jung nahi jita. Agar jeeta, tho dushman ki jaan lekar.”
...

Major Veerendra Pratap Singh (Dharmendra): “Mere sher bhaiyoon, yeh nahin sochhna ki aapne jaan dekar tum laddaee jeetonge, agar jeetna hai to unn kutte, kameeono ke khoon pikar aao.”
....

Loin Ajit: “Raabert, aapne aadmio se keh do ki dushmano na mare, balke unhe Manoj Kumar ki pheelum dekne ke liye nimantran deya jaaye.”
Robert: “Lekin, aisa kyon, boss?”
Ajit: “Bewakoof, dushman teen ganthe bore hokar marne se khudh kushi karna pasaand karnege. Dushman bhi marr jayenge aur aapni ammunition bhi bacch jaayengi.”
...

A scene from Sholay:

A drunk Dharmendra is on top of the water tower threatening to commit suicide. Down below are many villagers watching the drama unfold…

Dharmendra: “Gaonwaalon, mein wahi karoonga jo Heer ne Ranjha ke liye kiya tha, Romeo ne Juliet ke liye kiya tha - sosait, sosait, sossaait (suicide)”.
Villager No 1: “Arre bhai, yeh sossaait kya hota hai?”
Villager No 2: “Arre bhai, jub angreez marte hain, to usey sossaait kehte hain!”

Hollywood adaptation of Sholay dialogues:

The scene is from the wild west. Unkempt men in shaggy beard and leather jacket and trousers are unsaddling their horses at sunset when they hear a commotion atop the water tower. A love-struck youngster is threatening to jump off from the high tower if the chief does not allow him to marry his daughter.

Hearing the commotion, the chief comes out of the bar and hears the demand. Out of the blue comes a bullet that pierces the heart of the youngster atop the tower. All eyes turn towards the direction of the firing. The hero (Gregory Peck) is blowing away the smoke emanating from the gun before slotting it in his hip. “Hang in there,” he says, casting a disinterested look at the lifeless body of the youngster hanging by the edge or the railing as everyone return back to their business.

It’s another normal day at the office in the wild west.
...

Hindi film heroine: “Mein tumhaare bachche ki maa banane waalee hoon!”

Hollywood heroine: “Honey, I just wanted to let you know I’m pregnant.”
Hollywood hero: “Hmmm. But how can you be sure it’s mine. You were sleeping around with my dad too.
…

Hindi film heroine: “Marrne se pehle mein tumhe ek kadwa suchh batana chahti hoon. Mein tumhari asli maa nahin hoon.”

Hollywood hero: “I want to tell you something, son. The girl you want to marry is actually your sister. She is my daughter.”
Son: “I want to confess something, too, dad. Mom told me before she died that you are not my biological father.”
...

Film: Indecent Proposal

Scene: Millionaire Robert Redford offers to pay one million dollars to Woody Harelson for the return consideration of allowing him to spend one night with Woody’s wife, Ms. Demi Moore.
...

Bollywood adaptation:

Sunjay Dutt: “Dekh, apunko teri biwi ke saat ek raat sone ka hai, kya? Apun aiseech re, kya karen? Lekin to tenshun nai lena, apun tere ko maala maal kar denga. Ye Circuit, isko kuch karcha paani dena re.”

Shatrughan Sinha: “Cheeno se kehdo ki Shyaaam uske biwi ke saat ek raat guzarna chahtya hai. Usse kedo ki zyada shaan patti ki zaroorat nahin, warna mein uske saare mohalle ke mohalle udakar rakh doonga, han.”

Dev Anand: “Johnny mera naam hai. Mein tumhare biwi ke saat ek haseeeen raat Ladaak ke kubsooraat waadiyon mein guzaarna chaahta hoon. Zara socho, hum dono ek pal mein tumhari shaan baada denge. Navketan, Dev Anand…tumhari zindgagi ek pal mein badal jayeengi.”

Nana Patekar: “Ye Ganchi, aaj raat tera biwi ko mere paas bejna. Dekta kya hai ankhen fhad, fhad ke. Saale jab khatmal uske sharrer ek, ek ang mein dubki laga sakti hai to mein kyon nahin…bidi hai kya?”

Ajit: “Tum loin ke ghar aakar uska shaan bahut badaya. Tum bahut takh gaye ho. Jao Mona ke saat sona. Aur Rabert, haamare dost ki biwi akeli hongi ghar mein, kaam kareke o bhi bahut takh gayi hongi. Usse yehan lao, uske takhawat loin-tment se teek honga.”

10 random thoughts - any explanations?

2005-10-14T11:07:00.000+05:30

By R Rajesh

Was just lazing around wondering about the things we take for granted...no...not the deep philosophical thing about relationships, the comity of religions and stuff, but the more basic, inane, everyday stuff that we dont bother to question coz the answers are relatively unimportant to us. You must have asked these questions urselves, or mebbe they were there in the back of ur minds, unarticulated and unknown even to ur conscious mind. Whatever....
I just thought I should share them with you. I'm not looking for answers, but if have explanations, ur welcome.

Just read on and wonder with me:

1. If things that are perpendicular are called 'flat' why are vertical high rise buildings called 'flats'?

2. If 'lift' means to pull something/hoist something up, why do we say "I'm taking the lift to go down"? (For those who didnt get it, elevators are called lifts in India)

3. If, according to science, hot air goes up, why does it get colder the higher we go?

4. Why do people say 'bring me the cheque' to the waiter in a restaurant when they're actually asking for the bill? How come the same people don't ask for a cheque when they buy groceries? Shouldnt the waiter respond to "where's the cheque waiter?" by answering, "I'm waiting for you to write it sir, and please remember to mark it as a/c payee"?

5. Why do people in a restaurant order 'appetisers' only when they're really hungry? They claim only if they're hungry can they eat both the appetiser and the main course, otherwise ditch the appetiser? Isn't an appetiser meant to whet the appetite?

6. Why is it that in marriage, you 'break' the engagement, but when its a business engagement, you always 'cancel' it. On second thoughts, why cant you just say, "Anita and I are now dis-engaged"?

7. Why are actresses nowadays called 'actors'? Is it a politically correct tribute to the libbers, or are the women just less feminine nowadays?

8. Why is it that so many corporates have designations like 'General Manager (Marketing)
GM (Sales), GM (Finance), GM (Systems) etc...when a 'General' Manager is historically
supposed to be a generalist and not a specialist? Case in point: the world of medicine
where you have General Practitioners and Specialists/Superspecialists.

9. Staying in the world of Corporatedom, what is the logic in having a designation like AVP (Asst.Vice President) when a Vice President is already an Assistant President? In
the future are we going to see Sr. Deputy Asst Vice Presidents, Jr. Deputy Asst Vice
Presidents, Trainee Deputy Asst. Vice Presidents and so on?

10. Why don't hospitals name their Head Surgeon as Chief 'Operating' Officer?

The Best of Guts v Balls series on Bindaas Bol

2005-10-13T16:58:00.000+05:30

Guts: Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls: Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "You're next."
- Jiten Gajaria
...

Guts: Fred Flintoff stripping his shirt off after the Mumbai ODI.
Balls: Ganguly taking off his shirt and waved it at Lord’s.
-Karan Jethani
...

Guts: Sleeping with thy neighbour's wife when you wifey's gone to the sabji mandi.
Balls: Telling wifey, "Your next" when she accidentally peeps into the neighbour’s window.
-Abhijit Kunder
...

Guts: Writing the Kamasutra.
Balls: Performing all the positions mentioned.

Guts: Same old thing.
Balls: Some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress, but the ones held for pleasure are the ones that are the best. (ac/dc)
- Sailesh C

Catch the entire collection on Bindaas Bol

Nursery Rhymes - Baba Poleananda Style

2005-10-13T10:57:00.000+05:30

By Jiten Gajaria

Scruffy Cheeks,
Double Chin,
Fagged out Lips,
Yellow teeth within,
Hardly any hair,
Can't say fair,
Eyes are brew,
Drowsy too,
Chic's nightmare,
Is that you,
Yes, yes, yes.

----

Baba Baba,
Yes papa,
Chasing skirts,
No papa,
Telling lies,
No papa,
Open the fly,
Ah aah aaaah.

JAM version of Sidhuisms - Part 3

2005-10-13T10:10:00.000+05:30

R. Rajesh

Like my good friend Natty had said earlier, there was this thing going at Sportz Unlimited where we all had to contribute our bit to Siddhuisms by creating our own. I loved the guy so much I went and created a whole century of 'isms' in his honour. So if ur currently jobless and in a masochistic frame of mind, pls read on:

1. "That session was as entertaining as a boxing bout between two armless men" (After a game between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe where an entire session had gone with just 54 dreary runs scored at 1.9 per over, without a single wicket falling).

2. "If he bowls any shorter, he'll need a helmet " (On Andre Nel's propensity to bowl so short he threatens his own head).

3. "Fishing outside off stump will only net you ducks" (after yet another new batsman had nibbled at the bait outside off and perished for zero)

4. "RSC - Referee Stopped Contest" (Answer to a question on how the ODI between Australia and Bangladesh would go).

5. “Inzy's like a coy girl... when he says no, it means maybe yes. And when he says yes, it me maybe not” (On Inzamam’s notorious calling between wickets)

6. You can't encourage a boy by beating him up every morning (On supporters who say Bangladesh needs to be 'encouraged' in the Test arena)

7. He's like a drunk in a wild west bar... the bouncer appears and he's promptly out flat on his back. (On Ganguly's problem with the short ball)

8. "He can't even catch a cold today" (On a slip fielder dropping his fourth catch of the day)

9. "There are no goodbyes for a bad wicketkeeper" (On Parthiv Patel letting another bye past his gloves)

10. “The Indian team is suffering from tennis elbow “(If Tendulkar had the tennis elbow problem a few years back, when Team India were more dependant on him than is the case now)
11. "Guys who live in glass houses shouldn't ‘chuck’ stones" (On Ponting's accusation that Murali chucks, with reference to Brett Lee)

12. "He takes every ball bowled at him as a personal insult." (On Shahid Afridi's hyper-aggressive batting ways)

13. "He must have been asking the batsmen politely if they've had the pleasure of knowing their fathers!" (On whether Steve Waugh sledged or was just talking to the opposing batsman )

14. Who says the Australians invented the relay throw? (After he saw a Bangladesh match where Rajin Saleh threw at the wicket-keeper from short midwicket, missed by a mile. Rafique stoped it at third man and sent a wild throw at bowler's end which went to long-on who threw to the keeper, who in turn missed. Luckily, Bashar at slip stopped it. While they were playing relay, the batsmen had run four runs)

15. “His brain and his finger aren't best friends.” (On why it takes Steve Bucknor so long to give a decision).

16. "There was many a 'lip' between the 'cup' and the 'slip'"[On Ravi Shastri's nocturnal games :) ]

17. “Proof that sometimes sound travels faster than light” (About a batsman not seeing a bouncer till he heard it clatter on the helmet)

18. "He ran a perfectly judged marathon.......in the 100 m sprint finals" (On Sunil Gavaskar’s ‘epic’ 36 not out in 60 overs)

19. "He took the stairs, but stopped climbing because the electricity went off" (On Vinod Kambli not fulfilling his potential, and the problem being more in his mind than on the pitch)

20. "...perhaps it was because he was a connoisseur of fine legs" (On Ravi Shastri's penchant for the flick to fine-leg)

21. "He who lives by the word dies by the word" (When asked if his increasingly sporadic appearances have anything to do with channel honchos not taking too kindly to his Sidhuisms)

22. "The penis mightier than the sword...." (Again on Ravi Shastri, and how his exploits off the field are more catalogued than the ones on it)

23. "Power corrupts. Absolute power gets you elected for life" (On Jagmohan Dalmiya's new post)

24. "Mathematically speaking, they are the square root of all confusion" (on Duckworth and Lewis)

25. "You can't run a race, my friend, when you're looking over your shoulder" (On whether the Aussies are losing any sleep over England catching up in the world rankings)

26. "No amount of masturbation can produce a child" (On how Lara's often virtuoso performances don’t result in Windies victories, as the team doesn’t jell together)

27. "There is no such thing as a Free Punch" (On how Andre Nel...got a a barrage of bouncers from the English bowlers...who'd all been bounced by him earlier)

28. "Make him play in the Singapore league and it'll cure him" (Again on bad boy Nel's habit of spitting whilst glaring at a batsman, with regard to Singapore's humongous fines for public spitting)

29. "It pays to be crooked" (On Billy Bowden being one of the highest paid umpires in the world)

30. "Old Confucious saying: He who takes time putting up his finger will have wet pants" (Musing about how it must have bin for Steve Bucknor as a primary school kid when he had to lift his lil finger for 'peepee' permission)

31. "The problem, my friend, with Politically Correct Jokes is that they often get elected" (A snide aside about how Ranbir Singh Mahendra - Dalmia's supposed stooge - became BCCI president)

32. "We all know what you call someone who sells an embrace" (Referring to how the Indian team had prostituted even its 'Huddle' by selling it to Pepsi)

33. "He was the ultimate 'all-rounder' from whichever angle you looked at him" (When asked about his views on Arjuna Ranatunga)

34. "As any lady may tell you, it isn't how big it is that matters, but what you do with it...." (On the brouhaha surrounding Tendulkar’s bat)

35. "Self belief can take you places...often all the way back to the pavillion" (On a batsman's overconfident drive on the up to his 1st ball ending as a snick to slip)

36. "I wouldn't say he had a big mouth, but if he were a woman and he'd smiled, he'd have lipstick marks on both ears" (On Sarfraz Nawaz shooting his mouth off everytime he opens it)

37. "You could become a millionaire by bottling his voice and selling it as a surefire remedy to amnesiacs" (About Bob Willis' dry commentary that threatens to put even fellow commentators to sleep)

38. "Indian Driving Licences are invalid in Western Australia" (On how the Indian batters will have to eschew their favoured drives on the bouncy Perth wicket)

39. "...ohhhh, that was just to advertise that he was a 'hooker'" (On why Jimmy Amarnath always wore a ‘Red’ handkerchief in his hip pocket)

40. "The whole is the sum of the parts...but for him, the (w)hole was better than some of the parts" (on Shane Warne's repeated sexcapades)

41. "Younis 'Killer' Khan v/s Shahid 'Hitman' Afridi - 12 rounds- Queen of Peshawar Rules" (On what entertainment is laid on for the Pakistan team after a hard day's play wrt the infamous brawl between the two)

42. "It isn't fair for 11 men to be competing against 22" (On why the Pakistanis don’t translate talent into success more often because they keep fighting against themselves apart from the opponent)

43. "When there are 11 engines pulling one coach, where can the train go?" (On the problems faced by Bob Woolmer in dealing with the highly individualistic players)

44. "If ignorance is bliss, he's attained Nirvana" (On the Afridi phenomenon, and how he thrives because he doesn’t think)

45. "Maybe his mouth is sponsored by Nike." (On Aamir Sohail's propensity to put his foot in his mouth, and 'just do it' regardless of consequences)

46. "Cricket is a strange game indeed...you'll find that those who are suited for the 'shorter' version of the game are generally the 'taller' players" (On how the ODI specialists are generally more brawn than brain)

47. “When one hasn't got the 'runs' one can be forgiven for looking constipated" (Retorting to a fellow commentator's comment that Ganguly looked rather uptight)

48. "He would even buy a tall tale if it had a discount"(On Sir Geoffrey's legendary miserliness and unwillingness to pay more when he could pay less)

49. "Cricket is a mind game my friend...you have to 'mind' your step, 'mind' your language, and 'mind' your Ps and Qs" ( On Andre Nel getting suspended by the Match Referee for kicking the stumps and mouthing profanities)

50. “He bowls a good slower one.....six to an over" (About a young Bangladeshi fast bowler, who had been earlier described by Athar Ali Khan as a 'young tearaway', only to bowl at a top speed of 76 mph)

51. "...perhaps...but on the other hand, it doesn’t stay new for very long when he's around" (On a comment from a former great that Sehwag doesn't have the skill to play the new ball)

52. "All work and no pay makes John a dull coach" (On whether the last days of Wright's tenure were downhill because he had other things on his mind.....like not being paid, reportedly, for nine months.)

53. "They say white balls swing more.....perhaps that explains why Pollock, McGrath, Hoggard, Nel and Kasprowicz are so successful....they're all white!" (self explanatory)

54. "It may be nothing but hot air, but hot air my friend is what makes balloons fly" (On a former cricketer's comment that the new development strategies by the BCCI were just 'hot air')

55. "One candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." (On the need for Lara to share his cricketing knowledge and mentor the youngsters in the team)

56. "For him, Test cricket was a game played between three important sessions: lunch, tea, and supper" (On Merv Hughes' girth and his love of all things culinary)

57. "Take the first hour from the bowlers, and you don’t need to worry about the rest of the day." (On Sehwag's mantra being the stark opposite of a traditional opener's)

58. "He doesn't need to signal a wide...he just has to point at himself " (On David Shepherd's generous proportions)

59. "When the take-off is longer than the flight time, either the aircraft is faulty or you are going nowhere in a hurry" (On Shoaib Akhtar's take that he needs his extra long run up to bowl, because he's like an aeroplane which needs to cruise before take-off)

60. "The Elysian Fields now have a forward short leg fielder" (On hearing about Ekki Solkar's death)

61. "I have always thought making cricket entertaining was the job of the cricketers. (On the new ICC rules to make ODIs more entertaining)

62. “The match referee knows that you can’t hang a man thrice...so what will he punish him for? Intimidatory bowling? Throwing? Sledging?" (On Simon Jones altercation with Hayden when he threw the ball at him on his follow through)

63. “Two is company...three is a run out" (On watching a batsman who's just called for a runner because of a sprain, attempt to run after a shot and getting run out...a scenario that happens ad infinitum)

64. "You'd look that way too if your balls had been bashed around all day" (On the dazed expression on Gough's face after his spell ended with figures of 7-0-78-0)

65. "Umpires certainly need technology to help them...we should start with a hearing aid for this one" (On Bucknor turning down an appeal by Agarkar for a caught behind despite a thick, loud edge)

66. "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR firms." (On how every other new kid on the cricketing block is being referred to as the next great thing nowadays)

67. "Botham was to the Establishment what a dog is to a lamp-post." (On a programme about the need for more characters in cricket, and talking about the 'Ian Botham' aura)

68. "If he'd run in any faster, his follow through would have reached the batsman before the ball" (Reminiscing about Madan Lal's fast and furious run up masking his decidedly slow-medium paced bowling)

69. "The best way to hook a fast bouncer for six is from the commentary box" (...as an aside to co-commentator Kirti Azad who was deriding Ganguly's inelegant ways of coping with Shoaib's thunderbolts)

70. "He certainly bowls a decent Chinaman...the question is, can he bowl an Engishman?" (When asked about the chances of Brad Hogg confounding the Poms in the NatWest series, a laWarne)

71. "I don’t know about his 'zooters', but he seems to be practising more on 'hooters' of late " (On Warney having a mystery 'Ball' off the pitch)

72. “He is the sort who believes in love at first .....ever since he first looked into a mirror" (On Kevin Pieterson's reported self-love and self- promotional gimmicks)

73. "Right Hand-Fast, Medium, Slow" (Suggesting the blurb that should accompany Lee to demonstrate the versatility of his bowling speeds and his very slow slower one)

74. "Under Arm Slow Medium " (As the ideal blurb to accompany Greg Chappell, whenever he's profiled on TV)

75. "Right Arm-Occasional Leg Spin" (On Kumble)

76. "Right Arm, Occasional Off Spin" (On Saqlain Mushtaq's overdependence on the doosra to such an extent he lost his stock ball altogether)

77. “Right Arm......" (On Sachin's bowling, because no one knows what he will bowl, and the only given is that it will be right arm)

78. "... now u know why forward short leg fielders nowadays wear a helmet and leg guards" (Tounge-in-cheek riposte to Boycott after watching Harmison spray the ball so much he was posing more danger to the close in fielders than the batsman)

79. "...then this team should have CK Nayudu, Mushtaq Ali, Zaheer Abbas, Imran, Gavaskar..." (On Ganguly's contention that he should have been selected for the Asia XI on past record)

80. "This surely must have been a rest day for manicurists" (On how the 2nd Ashes Test had the most 'nail-biting' finish of them all)

81. "Flintoff vs Pietersen" (On how the contest on Day 1 of the above-mentioned match was less between bat and ball, and more between the two team mates to see who outscored the other)

82. "This bell has a long rope, and right now, its Warney who's holding the other end "(On Shane Warne's mesmeric hold over Ian Bell, whom he repeatedly lured to his doom in the first two Tests)

83. "It’s official now. Dan Vettori is the latest Fevicol brand ambassador." (Reacting to the freakish situation in the first Test between NZ and Zimbabwe when Streak had Vettori clean bowled, but the bails jumped up and fell back on the stumps and didn’t fall down. Vettori went on to make a century)

84. "This Indian team is definitely not missing Parthiv Patel." (After Dhoni grassed one more chance in the final against Sri Lanka)

85. "I always thought Continental food was bland, and what little I have seen of it now hasn't changed my opinion." (On the totally insipid fare dished out during the Inter-continental matches between Asia and Africa)

86. "Maybe their county should be renamed Humpshire" (On the amorous adventures of the Hampshire twosome, Warne and Pieterson)

87. "His favourite fielding position was between two fine legs" (on err...uhh...ahemm...Ravi Shastri again!)

88. "Whenever he opens his mouth, I think it's just to change feet" (On Sarfraz Nawaz)

89. "All King's horses and all King's men could not put the Windies together again" (a take off on the fragmentation of the West Indies and how even the best efforts of Bennett King are no use)

90. "He set rather low standards and consistently failed to achieve them " (On Lankan umpire Asoka de Silva)

91. "When you know someone swings both ways, you can't let down your guard!" (On what his advice would be if he were the coach of the Aussies with regard to reverse swing by the English bowlers)

92. “It's easy to be a giant when you are among pygmies." (Asking for a more realistic assessment of India's performance.....against Zimbabwe)

93. "He is surely a diamond in the making, but right now he's more of an American diamond" (An how all the hype about Shaun Tait being the 'asli cheez' is falling a lil flat)

94. “Certainly the most mouthwatering thing to come out of Andhra since Avakkai pickle" (On the prospects of Venugopal Rao...which, however, in the few innings we've seen since, haven't been too bright)

95. "I said before the match that you can’t condemn a batsman without watching him bat, and I say it now after the match " (...again about Venugopala Rao, who lasted all of one ball, and didn’t, quite literally get to bat)

96. "You can't judge a man by his disappearances" (A cryptic hint about how there was more to it than met the eye, behind his own infamous 'disappearing' act midway through an English tour)

97. "The Australian male doesn't behave himself until he has exhausted all other possibilities" (About the on field behaviour of the Aussies, including the colorful vocabulary of captain Ponting and Katich recently, and of course, the serial misdemeanours of St. Warne)

98. "I didnt know the Vulture was the national bird of Australia" (On how suddenly everyone and his aunt back in Oz, from columnists to ex-players, is ripping into the Aussie team when they are down for the count)

99. "The difference between winning and losing was just two balls. England had them, Australia didn’t." (On how the English approach was 'ballsy' while the
Aussies were unusually timid and left the aggro for too late on the final day).

100. “He's a real carefree guy - he doesn't care as long as it's free" (On Sir Boycs' legendary stinginess and love of freebies)

JAM version of Sidhuisms - Part 2

2005-10-13T10:07:00.000+05:30

Here are few more goodies – courtesy Sanjay Laad, our friend from Australia – before Rajesh’s riot takes centrestage.

He is trying to avoid the jet-lag by taking an earlier flight. (On Ganguly promoting himself to open the innings to get out of the bad patch)
The only length he has maintained so far on this tour is of his hair. (On Gillispie's bowling form on the Ashes tour)
Finally he has made a correct decision. (On the news that Steve Bucknor might retire soon)
It’s very hard to get him run out. His tummy is already at the other end. On Arjuna Ranatunga's increasing waistline.
His barber charges him $12 for haircut, $2 for cutting and $10 for finding them. (On Darren Lehmann's bald plate)
He has this thing in common with Michael Jackson, They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. (On the terrible wicket-keeping of Geraint Jones in the first Test)
Ah..finally he has caught something. (On Parthiv Patel being sick with cold)
Right-arm...somewhere on the pitch...if he's lucky. (On Steve Harmison's bowling last time he toured Australia)
I don’t like fielding in dis position. (Harmison, when asked to use the word 'Indisposition' in a sentence)
He will have to wait to let the Pigeon among the cats. (On Glenn McGrath – whose nickname is Pigeon - tipped to miss the next test due to injury)
This is the first time blood has travelled to that part of his body. (On Shane Warne attributing his ridiculous shot to Daniel Vettori when he was on 99 to a sudden rush of blood)
After a long time his bat is creating headlines instead of his balls. (On Shane Warne's two fighting innings)
The fielding today from both sides have been poorer than a pickpocket in a nudist colony. (On Australia and England dropping so many catches in the second Test)
He is the early to bed, early to ‘rise’ kind of guy. And because of all that he gets up pretty late in the morning (On Warnie's many fleeting affairs)
He is getting old for sure. Anyone who trips over his balls while practicing is getting a bit long in the.....tooth. (On Glenn McGrath rolling over the ball while practicing before the second Test)
Bad idea to send Warnie. We wanted to send him to the English camp to learn the secrets of reverse swing. He went to the "Reverse swinger's party" in Hampshire all night...Bugger. (On Australians plotting plans to counter the reverse swing by Freddie Flintoff and Simon Jones )
If it swung anymore, it will come back at him. (On the amount of reverse swing generated by Simon Jones)
He reminded the world of his highest score of 500 in just three innings - although in the wrong order. (On Lara's scores of 0,5,0 in the ODIs)

JAM version of Sidhuisms - Part 1

2005-10-12T21:10:00.000+05:30

By H Natarajan

Sidhusims have become part of cricketing legend. They either shock you or make you laugh, depending on which side of Sidhu you are :) Here are a few of my own....

•Inzy and Ranatunga seem as if they are balancing eggs between their thighs and taking care not to drop them while ‘running’ between wickets! (On two batsmen who prefered to walk between wickets for their runs)

•If Sir Geoffrey (Boycott) had batted any slower, he could have been arrested for obstructing business! (A dig at the man who was dropped after a scoring a Test double century for batting slow)

•If Sir Geoffrey could have helped it, he would demanded appearance money from his mom when he was born! (A jibe at Boycs the mercenary)

•The Brits always had a soft corner for East India company and Sir Geoffrey is no different! (On his unabashed praise of Sourav Ganguly)

•If flirting outside the off-stump is immoral, Sourav Ganguly should be the world’s greatest philanderer.

•Pakistan has opted to use the heavy roller. Inzi is out there in the middle. (A crack at Inzi's weight)

•Expecting discipline from Kambli is like hoping for an eunuch to get pregnant.

•With that kind of luck, he can successfully propose to Aishwarya Rai (For a batsman who got a fourth life)

•The Aussie bowlers are so disciplined that the only hope for Indian batsmen to see something short and wide on their tour Down Under is to get invited to David Boon’s house.

•What I like most about Murali is that he is hell bent on giving his best.

•I thought Dalmiya did a great job while sitting in the driving seat as the ICC chief, but even drivers cannot ignore the perils of Speed-breakers. (With reference to Dalmiya’s problems with Malcolm Speed)

•The upper layer of Indian pitches and the inner wear of sunny Californian beaches goers have one thing in common – they both come off in no time.

This was just the appetiser. The main course – a lavish feast - follows. Over to Rajesh!

Real life happenings...

2005-10-12T12:54:00.000+05:30

By Vincent Sunder

Hair-rising story

Waiting for my usual haircut prior to an overseas trip, since it sure hurts to pay for a single haircut what you would pay for an entire year in hamara desh. So, there is this Middle East bloke not having a haircut but just getting his hair done with gel. Probably a hot date.

Work done, mirror handed to him and he inspects his hair. Disapproving shake of head: "Not good, the hair is not standing up. It is too flat".

Not in the least taken aback, the hairdresser asks: "Hmmmm, sir, do you ride a motorbike?"

Customer: "Yes!"

Hairdresser (nonchalantly) : "Then no problem. Just don't wear your helmet and just drive away. It will automatically stand up!!"
...

A picture says more than a thousand words

An evening with the local MoB (Mafia of Bangalore), and we are doing an inspection of a lady's hand bag contents. Contents include a driver's licence with the pic, a credit card with the pic, the club membership card with the pic, work ID card with a pic. And each picture looks different!

Me: Duh!! Are these all really yours?

Lady [laughing happily, for whatever reason]: Of course, I just look different on different days! Can't help it.

Hubby: Yeah right, you look different on different days, and then you complain am running after other women, while all I am battling is problem of identity!!!

What did u do to deserve us?

2005-10-12T12:12:00.000+05:30

Ok guys ...since this aint a sitcom and we dont have canned laughter, I guess we'll just have to produce our own. This blog is our humble effort to get all of you to add to the audio library of laughs, ur own collection of gargantuan guffaws, goofy giggles, chweet chuckles, snooty sniggers and the odd bursts of maniacal muhahahas that we'll attempt to disguise as genteel laughter.

To help you achieve this level of auditory sensibility will be the three jesters - to start with - who shall hold court here: Natty The 'Batty', Vince The 'Clown Prince', and myself, Rajesh The ' ' (uhhh i couldnt find a propah name for myself, so u guys can all pool in and nominate names for poor moi).

In this blog we shall share with you some hilarious real stories that I constantly make up, and give u our take on a variety of subjects we know absolutely nothing about. We shall endeavour to be original, but if that's too much of an effort, we shall unbiasedly copy and rehash shamelessly.

Btw, we have our principles too, and shall let you know about them once we remember what they are. Till then, please sit back, make funny gargling noises from the back of ur throats, and let that groundswell of laughter build up. We promise to be back. Some time. I think...